This page did not lead me to God although I believe in God. I can't trust in God like one is suppose to do. Seeing people dying and hurting and wasting their life on drugs definitely is not a positive influence for me. All I see is the endless cycle of pain and hurt. Being there for a 911 domestic sucks because you know you can schedule an anointment to come back in a few days for some more. The football season is really a bad time and summer. I believe in God. I believe if I ask God to forgive me if I do make this choice then I will be forgiven. Yes we will all have our life reviewed bad and good. I am tired now and have managed to piss off everyone around me. I never picked my battles very good. I have gave and gave but now I am tired. The answer seems so simple but yet so complicated. Living everyday with PTSD combined with personal PTSD is a very bad combination. I gave to my community, so tired now. Have seen way to much. I know the smell, sight, touch, vision, and pain of death. While the answer seems simple I would hate being a client of the Medical Examiner especially since I have sent him so much business. I wonder how they would feel if I come through their doors like others I have brought there. I feel my work is done as far as public service. I am not strong enough to bring a new finding to the paramedicine world maybe you can. I have come across a theory that police are taught. Our jobs set us up for failure. Combine that theory and PTSD then you have a deadly combination for the medic, EMS person and patient when it is also combine with the cry wolf syndrome. Like receiving 10 minor domestics in one day then the 11 one you think it nothing then you get there and it all goes to hell because of the others that day.
Medics suffer continuously as well as police officer. The Saturday night special, bring in DWI at least you think they are DWI but they happen to be a diabetic that drank a beer and blood sugar is so low they act like an uncontrolled drunk when in reality they need critical care right then. Or the famous, I have chest pain. One guy (young) said he did and I went yeah right but it did not take but a few minutes later to find out he really was and it was not get out of jail to be bonded out to get medical.
My response is in Green:
Thank you for writing me. I agree that Medics see and suffer the same as Police Officers. We go through the same things.
You said you can't trust in God like a person is suppose to. I can understand that too, but I think He is the only one we can trust. There is a point after seeing so much pain, death and suffering that a person starts to wonder if there is a God. I went through that, but then I realized that the evil in the world proves there is a God. Hang on while I explain that. Look at the animal kingdom, they don't act like us. They don't kill each other just for the fun of seeing each other suffer.
If there were no after life, if there were no God then why do humans act the way they do? There seems to be no reason for it. That is until you read the Bible and see what God has to say about us.(Psalms 14:1b NIV) The fool says in his heart, "There is no God." They are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good. (Jeremiah 17:9 NIV) The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Now we know from the Bible that God gave man a choice and man chose to sin and live for himself. You see it just like I saw it. There is no reason for most of the violence that takes place. People's hearts are deceitful. I know I am not telling you anything you don't already know, but I saw people killed over stupid things. I saw a brother shot his brother over a pork chop. I saw a father shoot his daughter because she back talked to him. I saw a man who was so desperate to take his own life that he used a pen knife on his throat and cut himself over 100 times before dying. That is hopelessness!!
Why are people hopeless? Because they know in their hearts the world should not be like this. They know that something is missing but can't figure out what it is. I was at that point at one time. I thought dying would be better then living because the pain would go away. The problem is that is a lie, the pain won't go away, until you deal with it. The only way to deal with it is to give it up; let go of it; put it at the foot of the cross. Let Jesus take the burden and set you free.
God knew how evil we were going to be when He created us. Yet He loved us enough to still give us a choice in what to do. That was always hard for me to understand. Why would He give us a choice if He knew we would mess it up and choose evil? I think I know now, I think it is because we are made in His image. He gave us our emotions, etc... What does man strive for more than anything else? Freedom! The problem we look in all the wrong places. True freedom comes from having a relationship with God. Instead of turning to God we turn to our own desires and of course our selfish desires overlap each other and then our evil nature takes over and we have problems.
Okay I am making it sound simplistic and I know it is not, but basically that is what happens. The more people try to be happy and free the worse things get. I have had people write me and tell me that the problem with the world is the Christian moral system. If everyone was able to just do what they wanted everything would be better. Do you believe that? I doubt it after seeing what people do to each other. I know I saw enough to last a life time. Men's hearts are truly evil, there is no other explanation for some of the things I saw.
I got bitter and cold inside. I was breathing but I was no longer alive. I sure know what you meant when you said you are tired. That is exactly how I felt. I felt like an 80 year old man. I felt so tired it was a chore to just get up and get moving. I just wanted to die.
You know when the healing started? It was when I finally gave up and told God I could not handle it anymore. I gave my life to Him and He gave me a new life. It might sound contrived but I am happier now then I have ever been in my life. I feel more alive now then ever before. I still have bad memories, and scares, but I have an unspeakable happiness in my heart and soul too.
You mentioned mis-diagnosing a patient and being complacent. I have been there, done that too. I was a certified EMT while on the Sheriff's Department. I did not like showing up on a scene and not knowing what to do, so I found out what to do. Anyway, I responded to a shooting one evening. The young man (about 20) was on the porch of his house. I walked up and he was screaming, saying he was dying. I asked where he had been shot and he pointed to a spot on his right lower back, about kidney location. I looked and saw what appeared to be a slight wound, like a .22 or .25 caliber weapon would make.
I knew the EMS unit was on the way and I still did not know who or where the shooter was, so I just told the victim to calm down it was minor, he was not going to die. I even called the EMS unit and told them not to kill themselves since it appeared to be a minor wound. I went about my investigation of what happened. The EMS unit came and transported the victim to the hospital. I was going to go interview him when I was done with the scene. Before the EMS unit arrived at the hospital I got the call that the victim had arrested in the ambulance. He was DOA at the hospital.
I still struggle with that case. I know there was nothing I could have done to save him, but I sure did not show any compassion at all. I told him to shut up and die quietly, although not in those words.
The most important thing that young man needed was Christ in his life. Sure I might have been fired for witnessing to him, but if I had it to over again and I was where I am now spiritually I would witness to him and give him a chance to accept eternal life by asking Jesus to forgive him of his sins. But as you know you can't go back, not even 15 minutes worth, much less years.
This is how I look at it. I was dying of a terrible cancer and I found the doctor who could cure me. He did cure me and now I see that many other people are also dying of this cancer. I know the doctor can help them too, so I try my best to tell them about Him. Many of them don't believe any doctor can cure them, others don't believe they have a disease, some don't want to hear about disease or doctors and get mad. It doesn't matter if just one person visits the doctor and is cured it is enough. Sin is that cancer and Christ is the doctor. The cancer won't get better on its own and the office visit is free. But you have to have enough faith to go see the doctor.
Well I hope I have not bored you. Feel free to write back anytime.
E-Mail Ralph (whose comments are in green)
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