Everything in your suicide page really hit home. I am a 26 year old with several college degrees with my Associates in Veterinary Medicine being the one I cherish the most. I have battled depression for 10 years now and to make it go away if only a little while, I started using the controlled drugs that I had access too. It has been several years now that I have been using. My life has fallen apart around me. I was recently turned in by a veterinarian that I worked for, for trying to fill a forged prescription for oxycodone. She also notified the veterinary board. I was also fired from my job in my new field using my "cover up" career because my attendance was awful. I am always sick because of my depression. My immune system is non existent. To basically sum up, I just want to die. I don't have hardly any money to pay for my lawyer and now I have just received a credit card to pay him (another added stress). I just want to die, but I am scared of what awaits me on the other side because I am a sinner. I have continued to write prescriptions. I must have the drugs or I won't make it. They don't even give me a high anymore, they make me feel normal now. I can't get up out of bed without something. I just can't live another day like this. All I do is cry and wish that I was dead so that the pain would go away. I am stepping up to the plate and my doctor is working on getting me into a 28 day detox program this week. I have asked God to come into my life and please forgive me and guide me but I feel like he is not there. I still feel alone and helpless. The paranoia of every cop that I see these days is overwhelming. I think that all of them hate me because I am a prescription addict and because I am still writing scripts. Like what you said in your own story, you came to hate everyone. I am not like what many addicts are like. The only thing that we have in common is that we are addicts. I don't use street drugs, I am upper middle class, very attractive, extremely smart (I just graduated from college again with a 3.975 average), and I know that I have a lot to offer the world. At least I feel this way when I use which is everyday. I keep screwing up. Is that why I feel that God isn't with me is because he has given up on me because he knows that I will just screw up again??
My response is in Green:
Thanks for writing me. I will try to answer your questions, but I must tell you that the very first things you need to do is get rid of the drugs. Get your head on straight.
As for God, I will guarantee you that He loves you and wants to help you, however, we cannot make a fool out of God. What I mean is you have to look at the reason you are calling on Him. In other words you said you know that you are a sinner. That is a great first step, but what I meant about why you are calling on God, is that many people get into trouble and then they think of God and they call out to Him for help, but all they want is for Him to get them out of this spot they are in and then they want to go back to being in charge of their own lives. God does not play that, He wants to have a real relationship with you, and that means everyday, not just when you are in trouble.
To answer another of your questions, yes God does know you are going to screw up again and no He does not like that, but He will not abandon you because of it. This is where faith comes in. If you have realized that you are a sinner which you told me you have, and you believe that Jesus died for your sins and that He will forgive you if you ask, and then you do ask Him; you will be saved. It does not matter if you feel like it right away or not, the point is that God says He will save anyone who believes on His Son Jesus Christ, so if you do He will save you. It is not up to you it is up to Him and you can trust Him.
This goes back to getting the drugs out of your life. You will never feel close to God as long as you keep a crutch to make it through the day. Each time you use you are telling God that you don't think He cares enough or has enough power to help you. That is not a good foundation for a relationship with someone, especially God.
He can help you with the depression, He can help you with the drug problem, He can help you no matter what your problem is. The thing to remember is that He will help you through the problems, not necessarily to get out of the problem. You don't have to face the future alone, He will support you and walk with you, but you will most likely still have to walk the path that you are on. You need to read your Bible everyday. People often want to know how to get stronger faith, well here is how:(Romans 10:17 NIV) Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.
The word of Christ is the Bible. You also need to talk to God everyday. Don't let Satan rob you of the assurance that you are a child of God. You may not feel like it but like I said earlier God promises if you believe He will save you and He does not go back on His promises.
I don't know what kind of plan God has for your life but I am sure He has one. Once you get on your feet maybe you should think about what His plan might be. There are many people like you out there and maybe you can help reach some of them. Start praying that God will open your eyes and let you see more clearly. Ask Him to guide you and take control over your life. Let's face it He will do a better job of controlling your life than you have, so you have nothing to lose.
Just don't give up. If you have not really understood what being a sinner in need of a savior means let me know. If you have only asked God to forgive you to get you out of this mess, then you need to rethink your relationship with Him. No matter whether we commit what we call big sins or just little sins, we are all sinners and on our way to hell as judgment for those sins. Our only hope is Jesus Christ. No one can come to God without first admitting that they are a sinner who cannot save themselves and then asking Jesus to forgive them.
Keep your eyes on Jesus, He will stand by you and will help you.
E-Mail Ralph (whose comments are in green)
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