It seems to me that God just doesn't love me.

Hi Ralph,

I have had a chronic, debilitating disease for the last 26 years. I was diagnosed when I was 14. I have had many surgeries that have drastically changed my appearance and my outlook on life. The disease is incurable and will only get worse as I grow older. I have never been married and will never be able to have children. I doubt that a man would be interested in me physically because of the way my body looks now.

I don't understand why I am here. I have asked Jesus to be my Savior several times and have asked God for His help, but it seems to me that God just doesn't love me. I struggled to get my college degree while being sick. I have struggled to maintain a job while being sick, and am now in jeopardy of losing it because of that fact.

I don't know what God's purpose is for my life. The people I meet are Christians, and their faith is so strong. I long for that on the one hand, but feel hopeless that I will never attain it on the other. I came from an abusive home and was abused. I have always believed that I deserved the punishment because I was bad. I have been in therapy and realize that my thinking is way off base, but I can't help but feel that I must have done something terrible to cause my life to be so hard. When I pray, I ask God to forgive me for my sins and apologize and ask for His help. I have tried reading the Bible and going to Bible studies. I don't believe He loves me, because my life is just getting worse financially and physically and emotionally. Since I don't feel He is listening to me, I feel more and more anger towards Him. And the more angry I feel, the worse things get. Instead of becoming closer to Him, I am losing my faith. I don't know how to stop the cycle and just want the pain and the anguish and the loneliness to end. I want to believe, but I don't know how. I accessed a lot of material on your web site and felt better after reading what you wrote. Do you have any words of wisdom for a person who doesn't know what the heck she is doing here and is losing the will to live? Thank you for your help.

My response is in Green:

I do have some advise for you. I am sorry your life has been what it has, but you need to understand why life is the way it is. It is that way because of the sin in the world. Not one of us is free from sin, we are born into it and we have sinful hearts. We are all under a death sentence from God for that very reason. However, if you or anyone, believes that God loves them, that He sent His only Son to die for your sins, and that Jesus rose again and will now forgive you if you ask and you do ask, then you will be free from that death sentence. You might not feel any different right away, and your life might not seem any better, but none of that matters, because God said if you believe He will save you. You can count on God keeping His word no matter what your emotions tell you or your circumstances look like.

The Bible tells us: (Romans 10:17 NIV) Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.

What are the words of Christ? The Bible. If you want faith, you need to read the Bible. I will tell you that your enemy, the devil, will make it as hard as he can because he knows the same thing. You will be distracted, it won't seem to make any sense, you won't be able to find the time, you won't want to read, etc... That is part of the battle and you need to fight it. Read the Bible whether you want to or not, read it daily, ask God to help you understand it.

(Ephesians 6:12-17 NIV) For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. {13} Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. {14} Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, {15} and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. {16} In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. {17} Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

This is a war and you have to fight and keep your weapons and armor near you. Talk to God, I mean really talk to Him. Don't just give Him a list of things you want Him to take care of, talk to Him like you would a friend. Talk to Him the way you did to me in your message. I keep a prayer journal, it is a notebook in which I write out my prayers, or at least some of my prayers. I write it like I was writing to a friend. I tell Him about my needs, I tell Him about my problems, I tell Him about the good things going on, etc... It seemed strange when I first started, but I kept at it and now it is wonderful, because I can really talk to God though that book. I can go back months and look at what I thought were horrible problems and realize that they were minor bumps in the road and I can see where God was working in my life.

You said you get angry at God, fine then tell Him about that anger too. Ask Him to forgive you for it and to help you get past it. You have to take positive steps. I cannot tell you how important it is for you to read your Bible and pray.

I hope you will at least try. God bless you.

Ralph

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