While I was on the Sheriff's Department I saw and investigated a lot of suicides. Every one of them was a tragedy. Each person I saw had the potential to give something to this world. Each person I saw had made a decision that could not be changed; it was final.
I never investigated a suicide and found that the person had a problem or problems that was totally different than the problems that many other people also face. Most importantly I never investigated a suicide where there was a problem too horrible or too bad that one act would not have taken care of it. That act would have been to lay that problem at the foot of the cross of Jesus Christ. There is no sin (and that is what most problems are or at least start as) that Jesus cannot forgive and help the person deal with.
If you are contemplating suicide you probably think I don't understand. Okay let's look at that. While I was a Police Officer the law enforcement profession had the highest suicide rate of any profession. It was the second highest profession as far as alcoholism. Police Officers are under stress every day. You may not like them, you may not think that they have a hard job, but think about this. If they think someone has a gun and is about to try to hurt them, they have mere seconds to make a decision on what to do. Do they take this person's life or risk being killed themselves? If they decide to take the life and then find out that the person did not have a weapon, they will be judged by people who have never been in that situation and who have all the facts and plenty of time to make their decision. If they don't take the person's life and that person does have a weapon and the will to use it, they may very well be the next name listed on my Police Memorial page.
The other thing that adversely affects Police Officers is the amount of death and pain they see on a daily basis. Day in and day out it seemed that I dealt with death. In order to keep my sanity I had to have a defense mechanism. Like most Police Officers I put up a wall and became cold and detached from the death and pain. That helped me not have too many nightmares although I did have some, but it changed me on the inside. The pain was there, I just refused to admit it.
I could look at death and then go eat my supper. I could stand around a horrible death scene waiting on the coroner and talk to other officers about the weather or what we were going to do in the morning, or tell jokes. Slowly something started to happen to me, I began to feel so cold and so old that life was no longer a pleasure. I would look at the dead bodies and feel like at least they were out of the pain of this world, they were at peace.
That was a LIE! They were not at peace, they were just in a different hell, one that I almost got sucked into. I believe that is what happens to most Police Officers who commit suicide, they begin to think that the pain will go away if they kill themselves. I was in a lot of pain, my marriage was all but over, I had no friends other than other Police Officers, I did not feel well physically or mentally, death sounded good. It sounded like a way to escape.
So let's now look at suicide itself. It is the killing of yourself. If you are going to kill yourself then you better first think about what happens after you are dead. Maybe you want to hurt someone you think doesn't care about you. Well if they don't care now, why are they going to care if you kill yourself? Maybe you want to have everyone feel sorry for you. Okay that might work, but you won't be around to know about it, and sooner or later they will get over your death anyway. Maybe you have screwed up so badly that you think this is the only way out. WRONG! For one there is nothing that can't be faced and taken care of if you are willing to face it. Second if you kill yourself, then what?
What happens after you die? Do you believe that you just become part of the universe? If so then you truly have no hope. Or is there an after life? If so what does that mean?
The Bible says: (Hebrews 9:27 NIV) Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment... Once you are dead the only thing left is to wait to answer to God for the life you led while alive. If you kill yourself because you got pregnant and could not face it, or because you had an abortion, or because people found out you are a homosexual, or because you lost your family due to an sexual immorality, or you were caught with drugs, or you are an alcoholic who can't stop, or a drug abuser, no matter what the problem, you will face judgment for it.
Think of it this way. Once you die those sins and problems are permanently attached to you, you can't get rid of them, all you can do is wait until God judges you for them. However, while you are still alive you can get rid of them. You can take them off yourself and place them at the feet of Jesus Christ. He has already died for them. He already paid the penalty for you. He has already faced judgment for your sins. All you have to do is ask Him to forgive you and take away your sins.
Laying your sins and burdens at Jesus' feet won't take away all the consequences of your sins. If you are pregnant you will still be pregnant and have to deal with that problem. Whatever your problem is you will still have to deal with it. The good news is you won't have to deal with it on your own any longer. God will help you, He will give you strength. He will never leave you alone again. You will also be able to find other Christians who will help you carry your burden.
Many people look at Christians and feel that there is no way 'those' people can understand what I am going through. Again this is a lie. Christian churches are full of people who have laid sins at the feet of Jesus. Most churches are full of "forgiven" adulterers, alcoholics, drug addicts, abusers, homosexuals, thieves, liars, people who have had abortions, people who thought about or even attempted suicide, people who thought their lives were worthless, people who at one time thought they were too bad of a sinner for God to love and forgive.
(John 3:16 NIV) "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Eternal life, that is what it is all about. If you believe that God sent his Son to die for your sins and then you ask Him to come into your heart and take control, He will and He will give you eternal life. You will be surprised how much your life changes. Your problems won't seem so large anymore or so hard to face.
The choice is yours. Eternal life through Jesus Christ and face the problems of this life with His help, or eternal separation from God in Hell because you won't face the problems of this life and would rather hurry your journey to judgment. No I don't candy coat it, because I care and I don't want to see anyone make this horrible, unchangeable, final choice to rush into eternal punishment.
I am often asked what happens if a Christian commits suicide? I personally don't believe in 'Once Saved Always Saved,' I believe that no one can snatch you away from God nor can you lose your salvation, but I also believe that you don't lose your free will upon accepting Christ as your Savior. So if you choose to turn away from God after your salvation I believe that is possible. So back to the question of what happens if a Christian kills them self; take a look at this verse and decide for yourself. Remember that Paul is speaking to Christians! (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV)  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
NOTE: I want to make one thing clear. I believe that suicide is a sin against God and I believe that if you have not accepted Christ as your savior before your death your fate is sealed unto judgment. However, I don't want anything I have said to be taken to the extreme. If a person has a chemical imbalance or other disease which limits their mental faculties then that is not the same thing as choosing to commit suicide with a clear mind. Let me be blunt, if you are reading this page and are looking for a loop hole so that your conscience will be clear to kill yourself, then by the fact that you are doing so shows you are in control of your mental faculties and I believe you will be held accountable to God against Whom suicide is a sin.
I have often been accused of discouraging people from taking medication for their 'mental illnesses.' This has not been true, although I have said that I think God is the answer. However, the more I study this issue the more I am inclined to do just what people have been accusing me of. That is recommend that if you have not already started on a mind altering drug not to at least until you have really look into the matter. Below I have listed two drugs and what they are prescribed for. Then what the possible side effects are. Take a close look, you might be surprised.
Prozac is prescribed for the treatment of depression--that is, a continuing depression that interferes with daily functioning. The symptoms of major depression often include changes in appetite, sleep habits, and mind/body coordination; decreased sex drive; increased fatigue; feelings of guilt or worthlessness; difficulty concentrating; slowed thinking; and suicidal thoughts.
More common side effects may include:
Abnormal dreams, agitation, amnesia, anxiety, changeable emotions, confusion, decreased sex drive, drowsiness and fatigue, inability to fall or stay asleep, nervousness
Less common side effects may include:
Apathy, exaggerated feeling of well-being, hallucinations, hostility, irrational ideas, paranoid reaction
Rare side effects may include:
Antisocial behavior, delusions, suicidal thoughts
Xanax is a tranquilizer used in the short-term relief of symptoms of anxiety or the treatment of anxiety disorders. Anxiety disorder is marked by unrealistic worry or excessive fears and concerns.
Xanax is also used in the treatment of panic disorder, which appears as unexpected panic attacks and may be accompanied by a fear of open spaces called agoraphobia. Only your doctor can diagnose panic disorder and best advise you about treatment. Anxiety associated with depression is also responsive to Xanax.
More common side effects may include:
Anxiety, confusion, depression, dream abnormalities, inability to fall asleep, irritability,
Less common or rare side effects may include:
Concentration difficulties, fear, hallucinations, sleep disturbances, stimulation, talkativeness, uninhibited behavior
Side effects due to decrease or withdrawal from Xanax:
Blurred vision, decreased concentration, decreased mental clarity, diarrhea, heightened awareness of noise or bright lights, impaired sense of smell, loss of appetite, loss of weight, muscle cramps, seizures, tingling sensation, twitching
Let me also recommend a couple of books that you should read before trusting in psychology.
Manufacturing Victims by Dr. Tana Dineen
Psychology Debunked by Lisa & Ryan Bazler
Prozac Backlash by Joseph Glenmullen
Your Drug May Be Your Problem by Peter Breggin and David Cohen
The Anti-Depressant Fact Book by Peter Breggin M.D.
Many people attack me for my stand against psychotropic drugs. They claim I am ignorant of the benefits of these drugs, or they claim that I must also be against things like anti-biotics. They miss the point that I am against these drugs for three reasons. First, there is no medical tests available to determine the need or doses for these drugs, where anti-biotics and other medicines have a clear diagnosis protocol that is used before prescribing. Second, these drugs have horrible side affects which often include suicidal thoughts and actions and even depression, which is exactly what they are supposedly prescribed to treat. Third, the patients symptoms can actually get worse if they try to quit taking the drugs. Look at the following question and answer section by a Doctor who for the most part believes in these drugs, yet admits they have some very real dangers which anyone thinking of using them should be told about:
Quotes from ABC's Primetime Live posted here: http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/Health/story?id=333966
Dec. 15, 2004 - Dr. Joseph Glenmullen, a clinical instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, appeared on "Primetime Live" to discuss the often-unrecognized side effects of antidepressant drugs. Here is a sampling of his answers to your questions on the subject.
Tominell in Texas asks: What tests should a 15-year-old girl take before she is diagnosed bipolar and depressed, other than a verbal interview?
Dr. Glenmullen: There are no medical tests to diagnose bipolar disorder, depression, or any other psychiatric condition: no blood tests, X-rays, brain scans, or any other objective tests. Medical tests should be used to rule out other conditions that can look like depression such as thyroid conditions. But all psychiatric diagnoses are subjective and based on the patient's personal history rather than on objective medical tests. This is what makes psychiatric diagnoses susceptible to being abused at times. In recent years, many patients who have toxic reactions to antidepressants are misdiagnosed as bipolar and put on powerful anti-manic drugs because the pharmaceutical industry has not adequately educated doctors on how to recognize antidepressant toxicity. For years the pharmaceutical industry denied antidepressant-induced suicidality, saying it was the patients' underlying depression. In effect, this was blaming the victims. Now that the FDA has officially warned that antidepressants may make patients suicidal, the pressure to diagnose patients who do poorly on antidepressants as bipolar is the latest variation on this theme of blaming patients rather than the drugs.
Daisy in Alabama writes: I am 17 years old and after it was suspected that Lexapro was the reason I slashed my entire body with a razor blade on more than one occasion, I was told to just stop taking it. Now I have perpetual headaches, nausea, dizziness, weakness, agitation, muscle pains, hallucinations, cold chills, and problems with my balance. I wonder if, like Paxil, Lexapro is not very effective in adolescents? What percentages of people have reported problems?
Dr. Glenmullen: The only antidepressant that the FDA has approved as effective for depression in children and adolescents is Prozac. Other antidepressants that have been tested for depression in patients under 18 years of age have failed the tests; they were no better than sugar pills. Lexapro is one of the 32 antidepressants that the FDA has warned may make patients suicidal or more prone to self-harm, which is apparently what happened to you. And, like the other antidepressants, Lexapro can cause all the withdrawal symptoms you report if stopped cold turkey. If one restarts the antidepressant and uses a program to taper off slowly, these symptoms can usually be reduced or eliminated so that one remains safe and comfortable. Examples from studies of the percentages of patients affected by antidepressant withdrawal reactions if they stop the drugs cold turkey are: 78 percent of patients stopping Effexor, 66 percent of patients stopping Paxil, 60 percent of patients stopping Zoloft, and 14 percent of patients stopping Prozac. The withdrawal reactions vary from mild to severe. Why do antidepressants vary in the percentages of patients who experience withdrawal reactions? Because this depends in large part on how quickly they wash out of the body when stopped cold turkey; the faster an antidepressant washes out of the body, the more likely it is to cause withdrawal reactions. The brain needs time to adjust to slowly lowering the dose of antidepressants. You shouldn't stop them cold turkey because of the potential for severe withdrawal reactions.
Teddie in California asks: My daughter has been having recent and frequent emotional breaks - just graduated 18 years old. I have her in therapy and the therapist has prescribed Zoloft - I am very leery of any antidepressants - but I have a strong family history of emotional/mental illness. Can you point me to further information about Zoloft - or would you have any advice for me?
Dr. Glenmullen: The FDA has not approved Zoloft for depression in patients 18 years old or younger. Zoloft failed in two studies of patients under 18 because the drug was no more effective than a sugar pill. Yet it is the most widely prescribed antidepressant for this age group. So, be sure to get your daughter a thorough evaluation and good, reliable information on what drugs, if any, the FDA has approved for children with that diagnosis. As many as 89 percent of prescriptions for antidepressants for children and adolescents are for drugs and conditions not approved by the FDA for this age group. This is a serious problem now that the FDA has warned that the drugs can make children and adolescents suicidal.
Sheri in Michigan asks: What are the long range side effects after discontinuation? I have trouble with sequential tasks, comprehension, staying focused and complete gaps in memory, which I did not have before - Is there anything I can do to help restore some of the lost skills?
Dr. Glenmullen: This is an important question for which we need more research. Many patients on antidepressants report memory problems. And memory problems are a recognized withdrawal symptom in patients who go off antidepressants cold turkey. But exactly how long-lasting memory problems are has not been adequately studied. The most common reasons why patients don't want to stay on antidepressants indefinitely if they no longer need them are weight gain and sexual side effects. But memory problems are another reason why patients want to go off. But, whereas we know quite a lot about weight gain and sexual side effects, we know little about memory problems and other cognitive difficulties.
Deb in Atlanta asks: Are suicidal thoughts associated with the use of the antidepressants, or more with the withdrawal? Have similar occurrences shown up in adult users?
Dr. Glenmullen: Suicidal thoughts and behavior are associated with both the use of antidepressants and with antidepressant withdrawal. The new FDA warnings that antidepressants may make patients suicidal specifically cite both going up on the dose and going down on the dose as the most risky periods. In other words, one needs to be the most concerned about this side effect whenever the dose changes: when one starts an antidepressant, increases the dose to get more of a therapeutic effect, decreases the dose because of side effects, or tapers off the drugs when they are no longer needed. This is true for adults as well as children and adolescents. The most dangerous period is the first month or two after changing the dose up or down. The FDA warnings list a number of antidepressant side effects that can contribute to new or worsening suicidality including "anxiety, agitation, panic attacks, insomnia, irritability, hostility, akathisia (severe restlessness), hypomania, and mania." Unfortunately, the FDA warnings provide little information beyond listing these side effects. This has created a lot of confusion among doctors and patients. In The Antidepressant Solution, I take each one of these side effects and discuss how they can exacerbate or cause suicidality, how to distinguish antidepressant-induced suicidality from the suicidality of depression, and how to treat antidepressant-induced suicidality. Akathisia is the antidepressant side effect most linked to suicidality and the one that many doctors know the least about. Akathisia is a form of toxic, drug-induced agitation that has long been reported to cause suicide and violence. In light of the FDA warnings, no one should change the dose of their antidepressant, up or down, without knowing how to do so safely and comfortably.
Do you want to know more about how to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ? If so click here.
You aren't. Below are some other people's stories and questions which might help you understand that you are not alone.
I'm a cutter and don't think God still loves me
I have suffered enough
I want to go home to heaven
What if life just sucks and you can't handle the pain anymore?
I tried pills and I am scared
What if a non-Christian commits suicide?
If God loves me so much, why must I go on in this world?
Throwing the "sin" thing into your diatribe leaves me more angry than assisted.
How do people accept God?
I'm even afraid I'd screw up a suicide attempt!
I've never hurt anyone, but want to kill myself.
I believe it is a sign or an omen to just do it.
I'm slowly losing this battle
I never thought I would be thinking of suicide.
I want to die, I'm bored with life.
I want to kill myself.
I just bought a gun...
What can God offer me?
I don't want to argue with you but...
The professionals put me on meds but it doesn't help.
I can't think of any alternates to suicide.
I want to believe that life IS worth living.
Please give me a reason to live.
I'm a hopeless case...
I want to give up.
Nobody gets it... I have lost everything...
Life in general sucks.
I'm a manic depressive and think of suicide almost daily.
I want to die, I'm bored with life.
I have been suicidal for 7 years.
If I am special in God's eyes then why....
I get lost in deep depression and can't get out.
What did I do to deserve this?
I don't believe in God and I don't believe in judgment day!
I think about suicide because I feel stupid.
It is not YOUR job to judge.
I hope you or some one can help me.
I have nothing to live for, I accept eternal punishment.
I'm tired of screwing up everything.
Nothing in my life makes me happy.
I would rather die than go to prison.
I have nobody to turn to.
I lost my best friend and my will to live.
I feel worthless.
I am simply tired of the struggle.
I can't find anything to make me happy.
Why won't God help me?
Don't quote to me from that book of fiction!
I feel like I should kill myself
I have gambled away my life and see no way out.
Can someone help me?
Suicide is not a problem, I will just reincarnate again!
It is becoming a daily battle to fight to stay alive.
I am completely bored with life.
I was saved last year but am now thinking of suicide.
I don't think you should be deciding what is right or wrong.
I'm ready to die, even though I haven't lived yet.
I'm 14, depressed and see no reason to live.
I don't believe in God...
I'm 11 and I don't want to live anymore.
I'm going to buy a gun and use it.
I feel like God has abandoned me and I don't know why!
I know Jesus but I can't talk to him anymore
I've been wanting to commit suicide for a while now.
My child is the only thing keeping me from suicide
What if God says it is okay to commit suicide?
You saying that suicide is a sin does not help anyone.
I don't see any reason to live.
It is only my kids who are keeping me alive.
I can't stand the torment anymore.
I know God can help, but I feel like it is too much to handle.
A week ago I tried to kill myself again...
Every night I ask Jesus to take me home.
It seems you are telling people to throw away their medication...
I don't believe God will condemn me to hell for wanting out of this crazy world.
If I do kill myself will I go to heaven?
Everyday I want to commit suicide.
I am just tired of being scared and see no other way out.
When I get really down, I just want to kill myself.
I want to go to heaven, but I can't take much more of this suffering.
Why is God always the answer?
I'm already dead.
A web site said God won't judge the mentally ill and that is me.
I have never felt like I was saved.
I have no hope anymore.
In the long run my suicide will be best for my family.
I am a Christian who feels like I am fighting a losing battle.
The only thing stopping me is whether I will go to heaven or not.
Will God forgive me if I ask Him just before I pull the trigger?
I'm a Christian and I have planned out my suicide date.
Even as a Christian life has not gotten any better.
I'm so sad and I just want to get away from this world...
Where does the Bible say suicide is a sin?
I think I am on my way to hell no matter what.
I want to talk to God and ask why!
I'm a Christian who has been thinking of suicide for 9 months.
I don't know who I am.
I have lived a very deprived life.
I've been a Christian since I was born and I want to kill myself.
I just want to escape.
Why should I have to live this lonely forgotten life?
I need answers so I can decide whether to commit suicide or not.
I know God won't forgive me, but I'm tired of living like this.
I feel like God has betrayed me.
If no one helps me soon, I know I will kill myself.
Barely hanging on.
I have bulimia and am suicidial.
I'm tired of the messed up life God gave me!
I'm a Christian who gets drunk, does drugs and wants to die.
I am in a battle and there are days I feel I am loosing.
I just don't love myself anymore...
Why won't God just let me die?
I'm Christian but have no desire to live.
I'm Christian but hate life.
I suffer from mental disorders and sometimes question why God allows this.
My suicide is only a business decison.
If I kill myself I believe I will finally find peace and joy at my Savior's feet.
I am losing the battle with homosexuality.
An Actual Suicidial Testimony - There is Hope!
By Kim Whitehead, Melbourne, Australia
She was 20 yrs old when she decided that life was too hard and killed herself. She died on Mothers day of 1988 and as I am typing this I have tears pouring down my face. One of our customers at work killed himself today and he was only 19 and it just brings it all back like it is happening to me again. My sister was a happy person. Intelligent and very kind. The thing about suicide is that they seem to forget that people love them and would do anything to get them through the pain they are feeling. I would give anything to have her back. I still miss her so much and the pain she was feeling was nothing to the pain I have gone through since she left me. Suicide is inconsiderate and very painful. And I know that life is suppose to teach you but what is the lesson here. I haven't learned anything but instead have become bitter and don't trust anyone. To anyone who is contemplating killing themselves please stop and think. The pain you are feeling will go away but your loved ones will never be the same again.