I know God won't forgive me, but I'm tired of living like this.

I am so depressed and after years of being this way - I am just plain tired. I am tired of disappointments - tired of not being loved. There are only two things keeping me from killing myself one is my 9 year old son and the other is that I know God won't forgive me. But I'm tired of living like this. In debt, unloved, unhappy. I pray and ask God to help me but so far he hasn't. I am afraid one day I am just going to do it. Please help me

My response is in Green:

I am making a couple of assumptions from your message, the first is that you are a Christian and have Jesus Christ as you Lord and Savior? Second is that you want to live for Him. Now let me address something you said. You said you are unloved. If my two above assumptions are correct then you already know that is not true. If my assumptions are wrong, then let me tell you that God loves you. He loves you enough to send His only Son to die in your place for your sins.

I think I know what you are trying to say, that no human loves you, but that is not true either. You have a 9 year old son, does he love you? Of course he does. Now I will be the first to tell you that kids don't always show their love but he does love you. Okay, I will go even further, I know you were probably talking about a partner to love you, but don't miss my point, you are loved. If you attend a Bible believing church and allow yourself to be part of it then you are also loved by other brothers and sisters in Christ.

So let's get to the real issue here, you are feeling unloved, not because you are unloved but because you are not loved in the way and by the person you want to be loved by. Isn't that what this is really about? I am not saying that is wrong in and of itself, but it is wrong when it comes before God in your life. It sure appears that it does when you speak about taking your own life. Jesus told us clearly that we must be willing to hate our mothers, father, brothers, sisters and children to follow Him. Now a lot of weak minded people twist what He was saying. He is not telling people to hate anyone, He is making the point that if you have to choose between God and man you must be willing to choose God over everything and everyone. He is not being cold or cruel, He is telling us that for our own good. Men/women will always let us down, they will abandon us and turn away from us, but God never will, so our eyes should be on Him and not on other people.

If you will truly put God first in your life, these other things will be added to you. That is what Matthew 6:33 is all about. We should not care about the day to day things, but rather we should seek after God first and He will provide for us all that we need. Maybe not all that we want, but all that we need. However, if we try to do it ourselves and then think that we will seek God later, it will never happen, we will never have enough, or be happy enough.

You said you are tired. Well I have news for you if you kill yourself you will never and I mean never get any rest. Only God offers rest and He offers it right here and right now. I have been where you are. When I was a Police Officer, I can remember times when I would purposely forget to sign checks so I had a little while longer to come up with the money, or put the check for a bill in the opposite envelope so it looked like I had just made a mistake. I can remember being just like you and wanting nothing more than rest. I will tell you I stood looking at dead bodies more than one and being envious of them because they looked so peaceful and at rest.

Like you I knew that suicide was something that God would hold me accountable for, so instead of killing myself I became very sloppy at being a cop. I figured if someone else killed me not only would I have the rest I wanted but I would be a fallen hero too. That is how warped Satan had my mind. I praise God that for whatever reason He spared my life and kept after me as the Hound of Heaven.

I found my peace and my rest in Christ. Oh I thought I knew Him the whole time, but I was fooling myself. I had not given Him my life, I had only given Him lip service. I believed, but I did not put my faith into action. I don't know if I just described you or not, but I have the feeling that I did.

The road back to God is not always easy, but it is one you won't have to walk alone either. Start by getting on your knees and praying, but change how you pray. Quit asking God to deal with your problems and ask Him to deal with your heart. Ask Him to make you the person He wants you to be, ask Him to help you trust and lean on Him. Then ask Him to walk with you and help you deal with the problems you have. Next get out your Bible and read it daily, faith comes from reading God's word. Next make sure you get involved in a good Bible believing church. Don't just attend once or twice a week but get involved, get to know people and allow them to get to know you. Yeah, I know it is hard but it is what you need. You need the prayer, support and love of other Christians. We all do, that is why Jesus made the church and called it His body and why He says in His word that when one member of the body hurts all the members hurt.

There are no short cuts, but there are other things you can do. Listen to praise and worship music, even if you don't feel like it. The Bible tells us that God inhabits the praises of His people, so if you want to be close to God praise Him!! It takes work and you need to get working on it. You owe this to God, then you owe it to your son and lately you owe it to yourself. Don't let Satan make you an eternal victim, fight this!! Get exercise, get enough sleep and enough to eat.

I could quote you a bunch of verses which might help, but I think it is more important that you look them up. I will give you a couple of places to go. Read Revelation 21:4, Hebrews 4:15-16, Isaiah 40:28-31, Matthew 11:28-30, Psalms 19:7-11, Jeremiah 17:5-9, and 2 Corinthians 1:8-11 just for starters.

Ralph

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