Yes, Ralph, Jesus is Lord and he hates suicide. I love Jesus. I love God. I love my father (God took my mother 2 years ago). I love my three children, my son-in-law, and my granddaughter. What I don't love is the fact that I have gotten my family into debt so far that I can't see daylight. Because of this my husband of 29 really bad, horrible years, is going to leave me. It takes six months to get a divorce in this state, and he intends to tell me daily how much he hates me. He said that I was sick (this from a man who loves to quit jobs without notice and then takes his time getting another one causing our indebtedness to get deeper each time, not to mention the fact that all our marriage he has either detested, hated, or tolerated me - he always says that he made a mistake when he married me because he was in love with his old girlfriend - even after 22 years of marriage to me) and that I need mental help.
Yes, I have discussed this with a doctor before, and he told me that I was a verbal- and mental-abuse victim. Try telling that to a man who has never been truly happy as long as I have known him. I am sick and tired of life, I am sick and tired of my husband, and I am sick and tired of being in debt. I hate being alive, I hate the life that God gave me.
I accepted Jesus a long time ago, and it seems that ever since then, I have had nothing but trouble in my life. The first thing that happened was that I met the man I married. Then life with him got in the way. I am stuck and I don't know how to get out of it. The only option is death, but I know that my father and my children and my granddaughter would be devastated. My husband would jump for joy and clap his hands and whistle merry tunes and shout with glee. Truth be told, I almost hate him for what he has said and done to me over the 29 years we have been married. So, you tell me what Jesus would say about this. Not much considering that He is the one who picked my husband for my husband, knowing what he was like. He is the one who set me down this miserable path. He is the one who predestined me to be so miserable.
Don't tell me anything about mansions in Heaven because I have had to live through all of this mess. I don't want a mansion in Heaven. All I want is to be able to see God's robe or foot at the end of a long line of people worshiping him in Heaven. What I want out of this life is some peace, a chance to breathe easier without a mountain of debt shoving me into the ground, and the man I mistakingly married all those years ago OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!! If you get down on your knees and say a prayer to Jesus to help me, maybe He would listen to you. He surely has turned a deaf ear to me over the past 29 years. Suicide in my case is not the answer. I know that. But I do know that the mirror emotion to love is hate, and I am soon going to be learning that emotion on it's full broad range. Which will just make me more miserable. Thanks for listening...
My response is in Green:
I don't mind listening and I don't mind praying for you, but I will also tell you the truth. I am blunt, but I figure you know that from reading my site. Sometimes there is no nice way to say things, you just have to say them.
You said you love God and Jesus, but your message to me tells me something different than that. You are angry at God and it shows. You blame Him for your life, and that shows. The problem is that you don't truly know God or you would not feel the way you do. He did not predestine you to make the mistakes you have made, it was you who made those mistakes, just like all of us do. I am sorry for the life you have lived but God is not to blame for it. He did not get you into debt, He did not make you marry this man. What He is to blame for is loving you enough to send His only Son to die in your place. Does He get credit for that from you?
He never promised us a pleasant peaceful life but when the Bible talks about the hardships it means because we follow Him, not because He causes it. There are people all over the world who are dying today because of their belief in Jesus Christ, yet in this country we have too much and we take it for granted. My point is not to make light of your situation but to show you that God is not the cause of it.
If you want help, and if you want Jesus to listen to your prayers, then get right with Him. Quit blaming Him for what you and your husband have done. Ask Him to help you deal with what is, not what could have been or even what was. That is all past. Okay, you are a victim, but you can't change that, you have to go forward. It does no one any good for you to wallow in the victim hood of the past. It is a defeated attitude and all you do is allow yourself to be a victim one more day.
I have no idea how God might help you through this. He might help you get out of debt, or He might just help you deal with the consequences of the debt. I don't know, but I do know that He is not to blame, nor does He like it. I also know that He will not leave you or abandon you. You must, however, come to Him humbly and admit as you did to me that you are the one who got yourself into this mess. God is not to blame for your troubles. Nor is your Christian life. There is no way say this withtout it cutting deeply, but your life, as you discribed it to me, does not show your relationship to Christ. In other words your life does not show that you are a Christian, so how can being a Christian be the cause of your problems? I am not trying to attack you, only to wake you up to the fact that you are not were you need to be in relationship to God.
I have no idea what your life is like other than what you told me, but you need to answer these questions for yourself. When was the last time you were in church? When was the last time you studied God's word? When was the last time you talked to God? I mean talked to Him, not accused Him of something, or even begged for Him to change things in your life, but really talked to Him. Our salvation is a relationship and we need to keep that relationship up, that takes communication; being honest with the other person, but also being realistic.
Maybe you even need to be honest with yourself for a change. You say your marriage has always been bad, yet you have three children by this man. Are you sure it was always bad or have you allowed what is happening now to cloud all your memories? I have no idea what the answer to that is, but even if it has been horrible right from the start, you have three children and you need to be a witness to them and to your grandchildren.
You could kill yourself but as you already know that it not really an option. I believe if you do you would spend eternity in punishment. Not only that but it would affect your children in ways you can't imagine. For example, the children of a parent who commits suicide are 50% more likely to commit suicide themselves.
Another option is to just live your miserable life and wait for God to take you home. You could even beg Him to kill you every night and get mad because He doesn't. Or you could start living your life for Him. Put Him first in your life and find out what He truly wants for you and your life. He has a purpose for you, and it is a purpose which will do you good not harm. Again I have no idea what that purpose is, but I know He has one. The problem is that you will never know what that purpose is until you give your life totally to Him and allow Him to run it. Again that means repenting of the bitterness you have towards God. He has not meant for your life to be like this.
You can't go back and change what has already happened, but you can change what happens from here on out and how you deal with it. First take responsibility before God. Second, praise Him for the things He has done for you. Thirdly, give up the victim status and live your life for the future and not the past. Get into a good Bible believing church and find the support you need from other Christians. Read your Bible and talk to God daily. He might not change your circumstances but He will change you if you will allow Him to.
Your husband may be a jerk, but that just proves he needs Jesus Christ in his life too. You can be a very powerful witness if you will just follow Jesus yourself. (Matthew 16:24 NIV) Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
Taking up your cross and denying yourself are your responsibility, but Jesus promises you things too: (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Here is another promise you can count on if you will just trust and follow God: (Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV)  Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I will pray for you.
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)