Ralph you are a very kind man to have this web site.
I used to believe in God very strongly but I don't believe he exists. I'm 36 years old not to be conceited but brighter than most and a head turner. Here is my sob story. I had my heart broken 15 years ago... I put myself in God's and Mary's hands and went out with a boy I didn't like. He broke my heart other and other things had happened during that time to make the next two years very dark... I prayed and prayed but my prayers weren't heard... I didn't let it harden my heart... I held onto my values and was kind to people even though I never recovered from that time in my life... I failed at many things but kept on going believing eventually things would get better... Two years ago I thought something wonderful was happening to me... finally God had opened a door that I had waited so long for... I finally met some wonderful... I had put myself in God and Mary's hands again... What happened I got sick a month after I met him... Later he eloped on a whim with someone...
I had a hysterectomy and sex may not be enjoyable for me... I found out I have a family kidney disease... I have never had sex... I wanted to give it as a gift to one person... What man will want me now... I man doesn't want a burden a man wants a playmate... that is reality... Now there are medical reports that say sex can help to prevent endometriosis... So if I had enjoyed myself all these years I would not have been alone...Guys don't stick around if there is no sex... I spent holidays and birthdays alone... No companion to take vacations with... No strong shoulder to cry on...It was tough to be alone but I held on... Now there is no making it better... I don't believe God would do this to me... I don't believe there is a God... He couldn't be this cruel... What do you do when you don't believe in God and death is just a quiet darkness with no pain... Don't tell me to pray I have spent my life on my knees... I am saving my pain killers.
My response is in Green:
I am sorry to hear about your problems. I am also sorry to hear that you have decided there is no God. I am a blunt person so some of what I have to say may come over more harshly than I mean it to and I hope you will understand that I am trying to help you. First I think the problem is that you never really knew God. You mentioned several times that you put yourself in God and Mary's hands. Mary has nothing to do with us, she was the physical (human) mother of Jesus, other than that she is no help to us. We should respect the person she was, she was honored above all other women, but she was just a human and when she died (she did die)she went to heaven with the same status as any other believer.
I mention that because it is important. I take it from what you said about Mary that you are or were a Catholic. I will tell you have some problems with the Catholic Church's beliefs. The basic problem is that they don't teach people how to know God. You don't need and should not even try to have a mediator between you and God other than Jesus Christ. You should not pray to Mary or other Saints, you should go directly to God through Jesus. (Hebrews 4:14-16 NIV)  Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
We approach the throne of grace through faith in Jesus Christ and no other way. This is important because all other ways are useless. So that is why I say I don't believe you ever truly knew God. You need to find out who He is and what it takes to have a relationship with Him. It does not take a church, it does not take a priest or a Pope it takes simple faith that Jesus Christ is God's Son, who came to earth as a human being (while remaining God), that He lived a sinless life and died in your place to pay for your sins. That God the Father raised Him back to life and that He now sits at the right hand of the Father as our Mediator. Through Him and only through Him can we approach God the Father. All other paths lead to hell and separation from God.
Now let me address a couple of other things you said. You tell the story of putting yourself in God and Mary's hands and then going out with someone you didn't like, who then broke your heart. Even though I don't think you truly knew God at that time, I still have a question; why would you blame God for something you did? You said you went out with a boy you didn't like, why? How could he have broken your heart if you had not gone out with him? Do you see my point? Even if you had known God at this time, if you did this then you can't blame God for it.
Too many people try to blame God for what has happened to them, even though if they would honestly think about what they are saying they would see that they, not God, are to blame for what happened to them.
You then go on to say that you prayed and prayed but your prayers weren't heard. This too could very well be because you did not know God. But again you need to understand that even if you did know God, He might not always do what you want done. That is not to say He does not hear our prayers, but He might have different plans for us.
You blame God for your illness too, or let me say, if there is a God, then it is His fault. Why? Why would it be God's fault you got sick? This is another problem for people who do not know God. They don't understand Him and they don't understand the world. We all live in a fallen sinful world and part of living in this cursed world is sickness and pain and even death. It is all the result of sin, not God's fault. Now, I am not saying that it is the result of sin in the person's life who becomes ill, I am saying that because this is a sinful fallen world we all pay the price through sickness, violence, etc... up to and including death.
This was not God's plan for us, but it is the direct result of our rebellion. It started with Adam and Eve's sin, but it continues because we are all sinners and have sinned. The good news is that God still loves us: (Romans 5:8 NIV) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Our sin is the whole reason we need a Mediator between us and God the Father. Our sin separates us from Him. Yet Jesus paid the price so that we can come and have a relationship with God the Father.
I am terribly sorry you got sick, but you know you could look at that in two different ways. Not the sickness but the fact that this person whom you loved eloped on a whim. If he would do that to you it is best that you found out before you were married to him. So you could look at it as a bad thing or as a good thing. You could even thank God that you found out before you ruined your life with this jerk. Instead you decide it proves there is no God.
As I said I am sorry for your sickness and for your hysterectomy, but that is part of living in this world, just like cancer, or other diseases are. Number one, you need to get some real medical counseling, a hysterectomy does not mean that you can't enjoy sex. There are thousands upon thousands of women who can deny that. But your attitude toward men bothers me too. If you are going after men who don't want a partner, who only want a playmate, then you will always find someone like the jerk who ran off when you got sick. Trust me, we are not all like that.
Yes you could have slept around and had fun all those years and you could have gotten AIDS from it too. Or you could have had a child you did not want and whose father (since all he wanted was a playmate not a family) ran off and left you holding the child with no support. Plus, you might have had to have a hysterectomy even after all of that.
I understand why you are depressed and feel sorry for yourself, but it does you no good it only makes matters worse. You need to first find God and get a relationship with Him. Them maybe He will bring a partner into your life, not a sex playmate, but a real partner, who cares about you for who you are not what pleasure he can get from you.
You told me not to tell you to pray, I won't, at least not until you figure out who God is, because until then it won't do you any good to pray. Death will not get you what you want either, and that is reality.
You asked me what a person is to do if: What do you do when you don't believe in God and death is just a quiet darkness with no pain... Well I guess if that were true it does not matter what you do, however, it is not true. There is a God, and He loves you and wants to have a relationship with you. He wants to be first in your life, not just a genie in the sky to go to when you need or want something. He has promises for you if you will just come to know Him: (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Don't you want rest for your soul? He will never grow tired of helping you: (Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV)  Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
You said that you have decided that there can't be a God because He could not be this cruel. You have it all wrong again on this point. God is not cruel, He loves you, He loves you enough to have taken your shame and your guilt and died in your place. If you don't believe that is who God is, then that is the problem, until you understand that and what His character is, then you will come up with these false ideas which will always have you questioning. He loves you and He wants to help you, but you have to get it out of your mind that every bad thing that happened to you is His fault. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, but good things also happen to good people and bad things also happen to bad people. It is called life. Like I tried to show you earlier, what has happened to you, as bad as it is, is not as bad as it could have been.
Jesus told the Apostle Peter how he was going to die, as a martyr. Peter did not ask Jesus how God could be so cruel. He did however point at another of the Apostles and ask what about him. Jesus' answer should give us some instruction, He told Peter it was none of his concern. My point is this, we don't know what God's plan for our life is, but we can trust His promises and one of them says that everything that happens to us is for our good. Now that only concerns us when we are following Jesus Christ. The second part we have to be careful of is what is ultimately good for us is not always apparent to us here and now. What happens to us might work together for good for us in eternity, by helping us grow or learn to lean on God, but it might be painful here and now.
You need to get right with God, find out who He really is. Talk to Him directly. Make Jesus Christ Lord and Savior of your life, put Him first and then it will be possible to get your life straighten out. Suicide will only lock the pain and suffering that you now feel onto your back for all eternity. Plus the pain of instantly knowing that it was not God's plan that caused you the pain in the first place, but it would be too late at that point to undo anything.
I know I have been kind of rough on you, and for that I am sorry, but there is no gentle way to explain to someone that it is their belief's that are wrong not God. I hope the message of hope comes through just as clear as the blunt truth. God loves you, He sent His only Son so that you could be reconciled to Him. He wants you to come to Him. He wants to be your best friend, your comforter, your provider, your hope and your salvation, but it is up to you.
I will pray for you.
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)