I found your sight while looking for help. I was doing pretty well on medication and now I have take a nose dive. I don't why. Three times in the last week I have been ready to do it. I had all the pills out, the letters written, and everything I needed. No one would be home for 8 hours. I had it made. My husband got home as I was getting ready to swallow the pills. Work was slow so they sent him home 8 hours early. I've been told God took care of me. Why can't he let me die? Surely he knows the pain I'm in and how hard it is for me. Why would he continue to let me feel this way? I have lots of support. Have a psychologist and psychiatrist, my pastor, and an abuse counselor. I just can't seem to move forward. Why is that?
My response is in Green:
I don't think you have the kind of support you need. You need someone who is willing to tell you like it is. Since you wrote me, I will do that, even if you don't like what I have to say. It is time to grow up and start living for Christ. It is time to deny yourself and allow Christ to live in your life. Let me show you something that God said, I think you already know this although I doubt you have really thought about it:
(Jeremiah 17:5-9 NIV)  This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD.  He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.  "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.  He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."  The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
This is what you have been doing so far. You have been leaning on man. As your life shows it does not work. All the psychiatrist and psychologist in the world won't help unless they are pointing you to Christ. Pastors are of no value either unless they also point you to Christ. If any of these people allow you to be a victim they are harming your soul. You are a new creation in Christ the moment you place faith in Him. He will free you from anything in your past, but you have to let it go. LET IT GO!!
You have responsibilities to Christ and it is time to start fulfilling them. Suicide is not an option for a Christian. You can't be a Christian and calmly choose to commit suicide, the two are mutually exclusive. I don't care what anyone tells you that is what God tells us all:
(1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV)  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;  you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
(Romans 14:79 NIV)  For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone.  If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.  For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
(1 Corinthians 3:16-17 NIV)  Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?  If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple.
Is life tough? Of course it is. Are you that only one who ever felt like dying? No. In fact the Bible is full of people who were at the end of their ropes. You need to go to God and allow Him to take control of your life. Until He is first there is no escape. Let me show you one example from the Bible:
(2 Corinthians 1:8-11 NIV)  We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.  Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,  as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
Do you think Paul would understand what you are going through? Of course he would Look at that passage very carefully. "great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure" Does that sound familiar? It should, now look at what he learned from it: To lean on God. Maybe you need to learn the same lesson. It is a hard lesson for most of us to learn, but it is possible if we will do what Jesus told us to do:
(Matthew 16:24 NIV) Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
This is a fight for your soul. Don't let Satan win. You have a duty to get up and start fighting for Christ. You do that by getting up and serving Him even when you don't feel like it. You put Him first in your life. You read your Bible even when you don't want to, even when it does not make sense, you do it because you know it is what you are to do. You praise God even when you don't feel like it, because it is a duty. There are rewards too. God inhabits the praise of His people, but you won't feel that until you step out in faith and start praising Him. Satan hates us to praise God, so it will be hard at first, but you know what? Satan won't stay around praises either, so the harder it gets the more you need to do it. You want to defeat Satan? Then turn the tables on him. If he can get you to kill yourself he will, but if every time you have those kind of feelings you put on praise music and start praising God and you get out your Bible and start reading and you get on your knees and start talking to God, it won't take long for Satan to realize that he is getting exactly opposite of what he wants. I have been there and done that and I know what I am talking about. This is a fight and you can't fight when you are in bed feeling sorry for yourself or planning your suicide. You fight when you are praising God and praying.
You are not a victim, you are sinful for allowing Satan to convince you to commit suicide. I am not trying to be mean, I am trying to wake you up and push you back into Jesus' arms. You can't get the comfort and help you need until you confess your sins and come to Him, with no excuses. It is worth it. It is also very hard. It is hard to get up and do what you don't feel like, but it is part of life and it is part of being a follower of Christ. Like anything else it becomes easier the more you do it.
Get Christian friends around you with whom you can be totally honest and then be honest with them about how you feel. Ask them not to allow you to be a victim but to hold you accountable for your attitude, for your prayer time, for your Bible reading time, etc... And most of all ask them to pray for you daily. Ask if you can call them anytime and ask for them to pray with you if you need it.
Lastly, make a commitment to Christ that you won't ever consider suicide again, that you will put Him first and go to Him when you feel the worst. He is our comforter and our Priest but we have to come to Him.
I will pray for you.
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)