I saw your site. I had an abortion. I am really scared. I am so scared. As soon as I have enough money when I can get a job I want to buy a gun and use it. I am going to hell anyway. You dont understand. All my life I have known how beautiful I am to be a woman, my purpose of life to bring life in this world like God asked of Adam and Eve. But I had an abusive boyfriend (verbally I mean) who turned out to be 34 (told me he's 24) and I hate myself for giving in because of his mean words.
Please tell me WHAT makes a person give up on beliefs because of fear??? I dont smoke I dont drink I dont touch drugs I dont hang around in clubs, I have always loved God and thought I was good and different I am only 20. I used to model when he met me but now I cant do anything it has almost been over 5 months I realized. I lost track of time because it feels like yesterday. I am so scared of God and I HATE myself. I constantly think of killing myself and I dont want to be told to stop I just want to know I can still go to heaven. Actually a lot of me WANTS to go to hell. If I could just go to heaven for 5 SECONDS just 5 SECONDS to see my baby's face, and to see GODS face, to say I am SORRY, I would happily JUMP into hell and I mean that! I want to be punished so bad. I want to be in jail, I just finished reading about lethal injection and I deserve that! What society do we live in that I legally cannot donate my heart (I tried) but I can kill my unborned child?!
When I watched that sniper on tv all I could think about is if he stopped when they were looking for him, and TRULY felt remorse, NO ONE would offer him counselling like they do for me, because what he did is deemed "illegal". What I did is deemed "legal" so I get offered help. They even sent me to a mental hospital for a suidice attempt. I DO NOT WANT HELP! WHY should I have things handed to me for killing. MURDER is MURDER! THere is NO justification for it! Thing is sir, I have ALWAYS ALWAYS felt this way about abortion. Please tell me, WHY did I let this happen??? I mean did he hurt me or scare me so bad I lost all rationale???? He told me "remember you just found out Im 34 and have two kids.. what does that tell you?? You don't really know me.. you dont know who I really am, and what I am capable of doing to you.. I am warning you... I will make your life... miserable..." "I am warning you if you keep this baby I will be really pissed... I am warning you..." "I dont want a f#@%ing kid by YOU!" "You are only the mother IN YOUR HEAD"...
Sir, he was so mean to me. I was so scared. But I still dont understand how it happened. I never thought okay if I had an abortion, it would be better because... NO! I never thought that! I knew there is ALWAYS a way! So WHY please tell me please help me understand, why did this happen? If I never wanted it, why did it happen??? Why cant I remember??? He told me I could still be his girlfriend if I did it. And he'd be there to help me through it. He lied. As soon as the baby died, he sung a song and ordered a pizza. I fell to the ground in the fetal postion and cried loud and he looked at me on the floor and told me to "shut the f%#k up or get the f$#% out of my house if you cant keep it down" And sir, it makes me SICK to even IMAGINE for a second, what if I did it because I love him, because he said he'd be here??? He doesnt know it but I found his resume. I found out he did a psychology course in university. Could he have brainwashed me???? How do I repent if I dont remember if I dont UNDERSTAND how or WHY I let this happen????
Why do people do things in fear that they dont want to do? He hurt me so so bad what I was carrying. I lost the baby june 20 this past summer. I will never know if he was a boy or if she was a girl, or if I had twins. If he was a boy, I wanted him to be named Essence Joyce. If a girl, Kitana Joyce.
Can you please tell God I love him/her/them? And I miss my child everyday??? I mean I took pregnancy vitamins when I had that baby. I took bubble baths and rubbed my belly and spoke to my baby. I felt beautiful. I KNEW why God put me here. I cant explain how beautiful I felt. I am a HORRIBLE HORRBILE monster. There is no difference from me than the sniper. I am scum of society and I deserve hell.
I have no one to talk to I am sorry I am blabbing away. I dont know if you are reading this. I didnt even sleep yet and its 11:11 am. Well no I had about 2 hours. I have anti depressants and tranquilizers just to try to cope.
My child's father is no where to be found. Changed his home number and supposedly doesnt work at his old work. Wont take my calls. Left me the second I did what he wanted me to do (the abortion). He says I am uneduacated and unemployed and I have nothing to offer. He laughed at me, he put mean songs on his phone to publicly disgrace me after I lost the baby. He says I am a PSYCHO because I fell to the floor after I lost my baby and cried. He said no one should ever cry that hard and that makes me a pyscho in his eyes. I tried to explain that I had lost me baby and he tells me "not to justify my behavior" (crying loudly is insane to him). Why is he like that???
He says he doesnt owe me sh**., he SMILED at me and said he has done nothing wrong. He even threw me down on the road and RAN from me (literally) in the pouring rain 6 days after I lost my baby because I went to look for him at his place. He threatened to call th police saying not to come to his place without calling first. But he never called me ever since I lost the baby and he said he'd be here if I did it. Said I could still be his girl. WHY did he con me like that? he is SICK! and I am SICKER as bad as he is, I am WORSE because I LET it happen!!!! He has a better chance of going to heaven than ME! I wish I was like JOB! (the book of JOB) why couldnt I have been like JOB! So many people told me what to do and when I finally did it everyone abandoned me. Isnt that how the devil works!
I am scum of the earth!
My response is in Green:
The very first thing you need to do is calm down and think straight. Take a deep breath and read what I am going to tell you and think about it. Put all the other junk out of your mind for a few minutes. You said you love God. That is a good start but it is not all that counts. You can't come to God without going through Jesus Christ. We are all scum of the earth sinners. There is no difference for all have sinned.
(Romans 5:8 NIV) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
That is right, we are all sinners and we all deserve to spend eternity in hell, yet God loves us all and that is why Jesus came to earth and died. We must admit we are sinners, that does not seem to be a problem with you, you admit what you did was wrong. Why did you do it? Because like all of us you are a sinner and tend to do wrong things. That again is why Jesus died in your place. So confess those sins, all of them and ask Jesus to forgive you and be Lord and Master of your life.
At that point you are forgiven, period, but you must then start living the kind of life that is pleasing to God. That means no more sex before marriage, no more dating scum bags, you need to wait until God brings a godly man into your life.
What you did was wrong but it is not the unforgivable sin. God hates all sin, but Christ died for our sins, so once you get right with Him, you need not worry about these past sins. You will have harder time forgiving yourself then God will have forgiving you. You need to take a look at God's word and you will find comfort. Let me explain.
(2 Samuel 11:2-5 NIV)  One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful,  and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, "Isn't this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite?"  Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her. (She had purified herself from her uncleanness.) Then she went back home.  The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, "I am pregnant."
Don't you think that David probably asked himself the same questions you are asking? Why did I did that? How could I be so stupid? But the story does not end there. David brought Uriah home from the war on the pretense of getting information. David hoped that while he was at home Uriah would sleep with his wife, Bathsheba and then never know that the baby was not his. But Uriah would not sleep with his wife while the rest of Israel was fighting. David send a message with Uriah to the commander of army and in effect had the commander murder Uriah.
Yet when confronted with his sin, David fell on his face before God and asked Him for forgiveness and God forgave him. Not only did God forgive David, but He blessed the marriage which came about because of this sin. Not because God did not mind the sin, He hated it. The reason is that once God forgives He forgives completely and does not bring our sins back up. He blessed David and Bathsheba by making her (Bathsheba) part of the genealogy of Christ. David had a number of wives, yet God choose Bathsheba and I am pretty sure He did so to show us that when He forgives that sin is gone, past, forgotten.
You may think you deserve to go to hell, but if you will confess this sin and ask God to forgive you, then you will no longer have to pay for this sin, because Jesus Christ has already paid the price. Then you can see your child when you leave this life. Suicide will not give you what you want. It will only separate you permanently from God and your child.
You sinned, we have all sinned. Get right with God and don't sin any more. Stay away from people who are not believers, as far as relationships go. Leave this man alone, he is no good and you have found that out first hand, so quit thinking about him. Who cares what he thinks of you? Put Christ first in your life and start living for Him.
You should also find a Christian organization to help you. See if there is a Bethany Services in your area. They care and will help you through this.
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)