I believe that Jesus died on the cross for all of our sins and I have prayed and accepted his free gift but I just can't seem to shake my hatred for life. I don't want God to brainwash me into having a desire for life and cheesy smiles and fake handshakes from people at church. I have gone to church all of my life and I have always hated it.
I pretty much have always hated life - well thats not true.. I don't have the energy to hate life. I'm just so tired and I feel like life is just one long depressing chore that I'd rather not have been assigned. Blah blah.. anyways I've always been told that if you take your own life you will go to Hell which shouldn't be true if this gift is free and impossible to get rid of.
I still love God I just don't have the passion for life and never have. I just get up and fake everyday because this damn body keeps gettting up every morning and I don't want to leave this earth and burn eternally. I don't want to go from bad to worse but I feel that if you don't want to be here why should you have to stay? I didn't ask to be here. I know what they'll all say, they'll say if you truly had accepted Jesus that your life would change and that you would have a desire to stay and please God ect.. Not so because I do believe and I hate this sin filled world I hate myself and I'm so tired of sinning.
This is no place for someone like me and I don't think God likes watching me suffer. I just want relief. I want to cut God a deal like ok I can off myself and not go to Heaven or Hell just back to wherever I was before I was born. I was fine then. I know I can- not exist- because I didn't exist once so it is definetly possible. I don't really expect you to write me back and say "Sure! off yourself, youll be fine tell God I said whats up!", but please answer me honeslty. If I truly have accepted his gift (I hate it when the truly word is used like you could not truly accept. I accept ok, I accept again and again, I know its true ok, I believe.) and I commit suicide cleanly and clear up all ties (not go out in a hail of bullets sining ect.) will I still go to Heaven? More importantly, will I not go to Hell and suffer worse and go "damn that was stupid!" for all of eternity?
I just want nothingness again and I don't think that is too much to ask. I pray to God every night to take my life but neg results. Every morning I wake up. I know that this is a hard question to answer honeslty but try to tell me the unbiased truth because I know I'm gonna do it anyways. It's just a matter of time. Another quick question I have is do you know if when you die we goto nothingness until judgementy day (possibly bliss for a thousand years) and then are suddenly woke up and judged and could then be sent to Hell? Meaning possibly everyone that has died is still in pergatory or something awaiting judgement and they don't even realize that they are dead yet. Like its nothingness and I'm like yes! It worked then 1000 years later I'm like oh crap as I fall downward. Any help or insight would be appreciated. Thanks.
My response is in Green:
I will be honest with you, I hope that is really what you want. If you kill yourself you will immediately go to hell. Read your Bible and you will see that for yourself. Read the story Jesus told of the rich man and Lazarus. Both died, the rich man went straight to hell and Lazarus went to be with the believers. Killing yourself is not only not the answer it is a sin for which you would be punished.
You kept saying that you believe, fine, but you have missed an important part. Let me try to explain:
(James 2:19) You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that--and shudder.
Believing is all the is needed from one stand point but not the other. Faith without works is dead James says. That does not mean you have to do any work to be saved but it means that if you are really saved there will be fruit or work evidenced in your life. So what does it mean to be saved? It means not only believing that Jesus is the Son of God and died for your sins, but believing that you need His help. It means making Him the Lord and Master of your life. Your letter to me shows that has not happened. You even go so far as to say you don't want God to brainwash you. God is not in the brainwashing business and that is exactly why you have a problem. If He brainwashed us you would not have a problem.
Your focus is all wrong. Do you really realize what Jesus did for you? He did not come down to earth and live a wonderful life for Himself. He suffered and died for you and your sins. He was willing to take the full wrath of the Father because of your sins, yet you can't even find it in your heart and mind to want to witness for Him now in this life. You can't even find it in your heart to want to continue to live. I hope you are starting to see the problem.
What is life all about? Is it a time for fun? No, it is about getting right with God and then getting to know Him and serving Him. That means serving Him in the good times and in the bad. Why doesn't God just take us all home the moment we are saved? Have you ever wondered that? It would make things a lot easier. I sure would have loved for that to happen. No that is a lie, I would not have wanted that to happen, because if it had my kids would all be on their way to hell and so would a lot of other people I know.
(Romans 10:14 NIV) How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?
See we are the preachers, everyone of us. That is how we serve God in this life, by being witnesses to the lost. If you truly understand what Christ did for you and you understand that He not only loves you but all the other people in the world then you should want to be a witness for them so they don't end up in hell. The problem is that your focus is on you, and not on Christ.
You said you are tired of sinning, well the solution to that is the same, get your focus off of you and onto Christ. Let me try to explain. You may have read my testimony but if not, I will give you the very short version. I grew up in a Christian home, but when I went into the Marine Corps, I walked away from my faith. I did not quit believing, but I quit following. I wanted to live my way. I did live my way for a little over 20 years, and then God got a hold of me and I came back to Him. However, I had sins that I just could not seem to stop committing. I would pray and repent and sure enough I would go back and do the same thing over and over again. I prayed that God would help me overcome this problem, but it just didn't seem to work. One day I was reading my Bible and praying and I just gave up. I told God that He knew I wanted to stop but that I was not able to. I told Him that if He wanted me to live a holy life, then He was going to have to do it for me because I could not do it myself. I told Him that I was willing for Him to take complete control of my life, because I knew I could not control it myself.
Let me give you a passage of scripture which illustrates what I am talking about: (Romans 6:16-18 NIV)  Don´t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obeywhether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?  But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted.  You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
Notice that we are never set free to control our own lives. We are either a slave to sin or a slave to righteousness. That is what most people don't understand. I did not understand it. God will never help you take control of your own life, He wants control and either you give it to Him or you remain a slave to sin. That does not mean you are not saved, it means that your sinful nature is still in control.
This is not talked about much anymore, but it is what the Bible calls sanctification. This is when we are freed from the bondage of sin and God takes control of our lives. I will tell you that I have never felt such freedom as I did when I finally gave up and let God have control of my life.
Here is another passage that deals with this: (Romans 8:1-8 NIV)  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,  because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man,  in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.  Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;  the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.  Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
Notice in verse 6 Paul tells us that the mind controlled by the Spirit is life! God will help you, but you have to be willing to give complete control to Him. Admit that you can't do it. There truly is victory in Jesus. Believe me I still struggle with temptation, but it is different now. Before the temptation over took me like a giant wave. I would get caught up in it and swept away. I felt like I had no control, I could not resist. But now, it is like I see the wave coming and I just quickly pray that God will deliver me and He does.
I am sure what I am saying sounds easy and in a way it is, but in a way it is very hard too. It is hard for us as humans to let go and give God everything. I know I thought I had for years, but now I know that I had kept back a little bit of control and that is where my weakness was. I am not capable of controlling my life. I am no longer embarrassed to admit that. I now have freedom in Christ and have never been happier.
God won't brain wash you into believing life is good, He will just open your heart to the joy there is in serving Him. Is my life wonderful? No, I have lots of problems, but you know what, none of them mean anything, they are all temporary and will end when either Jesus comes back for us, or when God calls me home. It is up to Him when I get to heaven because He is the God of my life not me. Until you make Him the God of your life you will never be happy.
You said you are going to commit suicide. Okay, I won't argue with you but then quit calling yourself a believer, because believers don't plan on sinning sometime in the future. That is like me saying I am a believer but I am going to commit adultery sometime. With God's grace you and I don't have to sin, but if you plan on sinning then you are not walking with God.
(1 John 2:3-6 NIV)  We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands.  The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him.  But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him:  Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.
(Hebrews 10:26-27 NIV)  If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left,  but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.
Will a true believer ever get discouraged and depressed? Well let's look at God's word to see:
(2 Corinthians 1:8-11 NIV)  We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.  Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,  as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
This was the Apostle Paul, one of the greatest believers to ever live. Yet notice what he says. He felt the sentence of death, despaired even of life. He went through things which were beyond his ability to endure. If that was where he stopped his letter would be much like yours, but that is not all he had to say. He realized later that this all happened to he would learn to lean on God for his help. If the Apostle Paul had to learn this why do we think we are going to have a trouble free life?
My advice to you is to get out a Bible and start reading it, get on your knees and start talking to God and make Christ the Lord and Master of your life.
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)