If I kill myself I believe I will finally find peace and joy at my Savior's feet.

I am so tired, I mean so very tired. I can't seem to cope any more. My defense mechanisms are pretty much gone. Life is cold, grey, and without peace or happiness. Everything I have means nothing. Everything I have accomplished means nothing. I always loathed this depression that has eaten away at me for so many years. It made me angry and that anger sustained me. The anger has long since given way to despair.I have to will myself to take a shower and face the day when I go to the bathroom every morning instead of putting a shotgun under my chin. Even using my wife and child as a justification for not doing it seems more and more absurd. They deserve more.I am a Christian. Of that I am certain. There are things I don't understand, but in the final analysis I will trust in the totality of God's love for those who have trusted in His Son. A love that cannot be broken. I believe that if some morning I fail to find a reason to go on with life, I will finally find peace and joy at my Savior's feet.

My response is in Green:

I have agonized over what to write you. Your letter really saddens me. No matter what I say, I am afraid it will come off as uncaring and too blunt, but I have to tell you the truth, for nothing else can help you. The truth is that you need to get a real relationship with Christ. I am not judging you, but I am taking what you told me at face value and it screams volumes. First you said you are so tired. I know that feeling and I know where to get the rest and it is not in death for there is no rest in suicide.

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. [29] Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. [30] For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." [NIV]

Jesus is the only real rest there is. You said your life is cold, grey and without peace or happiness. That tells me you need Christ in your life. He and He alone can give you happiness in your soul. You implied that your only reason for not committing suicide was your wife and children and you said that becomes more absurd all the time. Again this shows that Christ is not first in your life. Let me show you what I mean by God's word:

Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." [NIV]

Are you denying yourself and following Him? If you were then He is the reason to go on each day. Again let me show you what God's word has to say:

1 Cor. 6:19-20 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; [20] you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. [NIV]

Have you forgotten that you were bought by the blood of Jesus Christ? You can't honor God by putting a shotgun under your chin. Don't let anyone fool you, your salvation is a relationship with God the Father bought by the blood of Jesus, it is not a done deal just because you believed at one time in the past. It is an ongoing relationship. That is why God's word tells us things like this:

John 15:6 If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. [NIV]

Hebrews 10:26-27 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, [27] but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. [NIV]

1 Cor. 15:2 By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain. [NIV]

Life isn't about being happy materially in this world, it is about finding and following Jesus Christ. That is where real happiness comes from and no where else. Why is it that famous rich people, actors, musicians, sports heroes are throwing their lives away on drugs, alcohol, shallow relationships and yes even suicide? Because they aren't happy, all the material things of this world will not make a person happy, only a true relationship with God through Jesus Christ can do that.

Philip. 4:12-13 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. [13] I can do everything through him who gives me strength. [NIV]

God has given us all we need to live a fulfilling and joyful life.

2 Peter 1:3 His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. [NIV]

If you truly want rest for your soul, then come to Christ. If you want a reason to live every day that God gives you, then come to Christ. But don't allow yourself to be fooled, you can't truly know Christ without following Him and you can't follow Him and debate on being the god of your own life each day by killing yourself. It is time to wake up and realize, as God's word tells us, that we are in a spiritual battle for our souls. Satan would love for you to reject Christ and act as the god of your own life. He will even lie in your ear and tell you that God doesn't mind and will welcome you with open arms. He might even try to convince you that this is God's will for your life, but he is a liar, he is the father of lies and wants your soul separated from God for all eternity. Get into the battle, get to know Christ and make Him your Lord and Savior and put Him first in your life. Then and only then will have you have the rest your soul cries out for.

Ralph

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