I've never hurt anyone, but want to kill myself.

Dear Friend:

I'm sitting here, feeling so down, I decided to go thru the web while I'm contemplating suicide. I'm 52 years old, the mother of 2 beautiful children who love me with all their heart. My reason for living is for them. I have a husband whose 6 years older than me, out of a job. My problem is, I gamble. I have gambled away the little bit of money I had only to see if I could get ahead. I didn't have the money to pay the bills and I tried to double it. I lost it all. I went to gamblers anonymous, it didn't help, they talked about everything else but gambling. When I walked into a casino, I was in a different world. I tried to win, and chase the money I lost.

I lied to my family, I lied to my loving husband and I can't forgive myself. I'm delinquent on all my accounts. Although my friends gamble, I can't blame them, only myself. I feel worthless. I have never committed a crime, but don't think I haven't thought about it. I've never hurt anyone, but want to kill myself. I can't admit my guilt for what I've caused my wonderful family. I could never get back for what I've lost. I hate myself. I can't walk into a bank and ask for a loan, they don't want someone with bad credit. The richer get richer and the poorer get poorer. I just wish I could start my life over. I will admit, my friends talked me into gambling. I was depressed and it gave me a rush to walk into a casino. What I've done is a crime. I think there are people in jail for the crimes they've committed. I feel just as ugly. I hate myself and want to end my life. I've never stole money or committed a crime against the law. But what I've done to the people that love me most is the worse crime. How do I live with myself? How do I get out of depth? Please, can you help me? Can you give me an idea where I find help?

My response is in Green:

Thank you for writing to me. I do think I can tell you where to go for help. Let me kind of start at the beginning. You said you have been to gamblers anonymous but it didn't help. I won't either. You said they talked about everything except gambling. That is because there is nothing that they can say that will help.

We are all born in the same boat, we have a sinful nature. A nature in our very being that wants to do the wrong things. That is why you have problems with gambling. Other people have problems with sex, being dishonest, stealing, alcohol, and the list goes on. We are all different, yet we are all alike. We are not in control, our sinful nature is in control. No one can give you a magic answer, no one can tell you if you will keep $100 in the bank at all times you will never gamble again, etc... There is no easy way, that is because everything you try will be external and the problem is internal.

There is a bigger problem than just the gambling believe it or not. That problem is with the Creator of the universe. See that sinful nature that makes us prone to do evil things is due to mankind's rebellion against God. We are all born under the dark cloud of sin. (Ezekiel 18:4 NIV) For every living soul belongs to me, the father as well as the son--both alike belong to me. The soul who sins is the one who will die.

Further the Bible says: (Romans 3:22b-23 NIV) There is no difference, {23} for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God...

Okay, it should be obvious at this point that we have a problem here. God says anyone who sins will die and then later says there is no difference because we have all sinned. The Bible is right and we all know it if we are honest, we have all sinned. So we all have a death sentence looming over our heads. There is nothing we can do about it on our own, other than pay the debt by dying. To me that is not a good solution.

Even though we (mankind) rebelled against God, He still loved us. Many people ask me why God does not just forget about our sin and forgive us. Well there is really an easy answer to that. I told you that we are born with an evil, sinful nature, but God has a holy nature. His holy nature cannot stand our sinful nature. He cannot just forgive and forget, because we continue to through it up in His face. His holy nature demands punishment for our sin and that punishment is death. Yet, like I said earlier He loves us. So He did something that was unbelievable, He paid our debt Himself, by sending His only Son, Jesus to die for our sins. (John 3:16 NIV) "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

We can have eternal life because and only because Jesus has paid the death sentence for us. Here it is said a slightly different way: (Romans 5:8-9 NIV) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. {9} Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!

What we have to do is simple, we first have to understand and admit that we are sinners, that there is nothing we can do to save ourselves, that we believe Jesus was God and that He did come to earth as a human and die for us. That He rose again on the third day and will now forgive us if we ask. Then all we have to do is ask Him to forgive us. At that point we are washed by His blood. You know how blood covers everything it touches, that is kind of the way this works, His blood covers our sinful nature so that God does not have to see it. All He sees is His Son's blood making us clean.

He also requires us to be remorseful for our sins. That does not sound like a problem for you, you sound remorseful now. He also requires us to turn from our sins and not continue in that life style. Okay, you may be saying, well if I could do that I would not have written you in the first place. You are right, but you have to understand that you become a new creature when you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior. He will help you change and live a holy life. That is not to say you won't still struggle, but He will be right there to help you. (Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV) Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. {29} He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. {30} Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; {31} but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

You have to trust Him, and you have to give Him control of your life. He won't share control with you, you have to give it to Him. What I mean by that is that He won't just let you try to do it yourself. You have been trying that for 52 years and it doesn't work, now give Him a chance. What that all means is that you tell Him that you know you can't do this by yourself. You start thinking of Him first, you pray for strength, before temptation comes not after. That means that you find time to spend with Him each day and start having a relationship with Him. Read His word, talk to Him (pray), get to be friends with Him. Just the thought that the King of the universe is willing to be your friend should make your heart beat fast. Not only is He willing to be your friend, He is willing and will adopt you into His family. You will be come His child. He also send His Holy Spirit to live in your heart and minister to you, and enable you to resist those temptations, but again He will not force Himself on you, you have to allow Him to help you.

You might think this is all too simple, well it is simple, but it is also life changing, and eternity changing. The Bible says that when you ask for forgiveness you go from death to life. Jesus is speaking here: (John 5:24 NIV) "I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life.

So the short answer to your question is that you go to God for help. He is already there holding His hand out to you, you just have to grab it.

If you have any further questions or just want to talk, please feel free to write back. I will pray for you. I will pray that God will open your eyes so that you can see and know that He does love you and wants to have a relationship with you.

Ralph

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