The professionals put me on meds but it doesn't help.

Hi. I don't really know what to write except what I am feeling. Since my eighth grade year, I started noticing some unusual things about me. I would cry for no reason and I found myself writing in my diary things like "I am so depressed! I hate myself and my life." I didn't know why. I didn't really talk about it with my friends or parents. My first year in high school, I made many more friends, yet, I felt the same way. About half way through, I started cutting my wrists. It felt good because I was physically hurting myself, releasing the emotional pain. I eventually told my friends, and later on, my mom started noticing my arms. I tried my hardest to wear nothing but long sleeves, but that was difficult. We started seeking professional help after I vaguely explained to her my unconditional sadness. They put me on medicine right away claiming I suffered from depression and there was a chemical imbalance in my brain. I couldn't stop crying. I eventually picked up the hobby to write poetry about my feelings. I've written many that are related to suicide and gory things. I've also written death notes, but tucked them away so no one could find them. Anyway, I am now a junior in high school and to this day, I am still on meds, cutting not only my wrists, but my stomach and neck as well, and I still take up the hobby of writing. I now have a boyfriend, and have unfortuntately grown apart from my close friends.

Now when I have a problem or want to talk, I have no one to turn to except my mom. From time to time, I still want to consider suicide. I am not scared, I just want to see what's ahead in life, although it probably won't be anything to exciting. Also notice my self esteem and confidence...I have none! If you decide to write me back, I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't say anything about God or quotes from the Bible. I am a Christian and I believe what I have been taught. Thank you for listening.

My response is in Green:

Thank you for writing me. I appreciate your honesty, however, you have asked me to do something that I cannot do. You asked me not to talk about God or quote scripture to you. I can't do that, it is part of who I am. So if you don't want to hear what I have to say about God and about His Word then you need to delete this message right now.

I don't try to push my religion on anyone, but that is who I am. You said you are a Christian, yet you don't want me to say anything about God or quote His Word. That makes me wonder to be honest just what you consider being a Christian is. Being a Christian is more than just passively believing what you have heard. It means following Christ and what He taught. Believing that He is who He said He was (God), that He died for your sins, because you were under a death sentence, that He came back from the dead and is now in heaven and will forgive you of your sins if you ask Him to.

There is a verse which pretty well states this: (James 2:19 NIV) You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that--and shudder. The point is that just believing what you have heard is not enough, you must put it into action by asking Jesus to forgive you and come into your heart.

I was struck by your story, because I use to write a lot of poetry too, and it was all very dark. In fact I found most of the time that unless I was depressed I could not write. I look back on those writings now and they were very hopeless and dark. I did not have any hope in my life. I saw that in your message to me too. The good news is that life does not have to be that way. This is where God comes in, He loves you and wants to give you a better life. I did not realize that when I was in the shape you are in now, but I found it was true once I accepted Jesus as my Savior.

You know some great things happen when you accept Jesus as your Savior, for one you are forgiven for your past. It is like the past does not exist. There are many things which I wish I could go back and change, stupid things that I did and bad things that I did, but I can't go back and change them. I remember them and they make me sad, but you know what? God does not choose to remember them. He says when He forgives us He forgets our past. Another thing that happens is that we are adopted into the family of God. We become His sons and daughters. Think of that, we become related to God! God loves all humans, but He has a special place in His heart for those who are His children.

You said that you are on medications but that they don't seem to help. I know something that will help and again it is knowing God on a personal basis. You mentioned that you have grown away from your friends but that you never really talked to them or your parents. God wants to talk to you, He wants you to tell Him how you feel.

We are all born into this world with a sinful nature. We tend to do wrong, we tend to be depressed, we tend to think that there has to be something better to life but we don't know what that something is. It is a relationship with the God of the universe. What is depressing us and holding us captive is sin. You will never be free of it until you get right with God.

Look at people who have everything they could ever want; like sports figures who make 10 million dollars a year. Yet they get arrested for drugs, or some other stupid offense. Why? Because they are still searching for that thing that will make them happy. Look at actors and actresses, they have it all, they are famous they have lots of money, yet they are addicted to drugs, they have failed marriages, and many commit suicide. Why? Again because although you and I look at them and think they have everything that they could possibly want, they know that all of it is worthless and can't make them happy. They just can't figure out what is missing.

I know you said you did not want me to quote scripture to you, and I have tried to keep it to a minimum but I think scripture is very important because it tells us about who God is. Here are a couple of verses that I think might help you: (Psalms 91:1 NIV) He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I know when I was depressed and thought life was not worth living, one thing I always wanted was rest. I even looked at death as if it would provide the rest I needed. The problem is that is a lie, rest comes through God, not death.

(Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV) Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. {29} He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. {30} Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; {31} but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. God will give you the strength to go one when you don't know how. He will never leave you.

Here is something you might never of heard before. Do you know who Paul was? He was an Apostle, a person who had seen the risen Christ Jesus and was commissioned to spread the gospel. You would think that he would not have any problems right? Well that is not true. Look at this passage: (2 Corinthians 1:8-11 NIV) We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. {9} Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. {10} He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, {11} as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. Paul's writings are often hard to fully understand, but let me give you the gist of what he is saying here. He is saying that they had such bad times that they wanted to die. But he found that this was so that they would learn to lean on God and trust Him. When they did trust God, God was faithful to help them. The other thing that Paul says is that the prayers of other people helped them get through.

God loves you but He wants you to know Him. He wants you to come to Him and get to know Him. I don't know God's mind, no one does, but I will tell you that sometimes He will allow a person to go through tough times so that they will seek Him. (Deuteronomy 4:29 NIV) But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Proverbs 8:17 NIV) I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. If you look for God and really want to find Him you will find Him and He will help you.

You know lots of people want to blame God for everything that happens to them, and they don't want to get to know Him. The main reason is simple, they don't want to have to admit that they need Him, or that they will one day have to answer for what kind of person they are. What a pity because God has provided a way around that by just accepting Jesus as your Savior. God holds out His hand but many people refuse to take hold of it. Don't be one of them. Give God a chance. Just remember that it is not all about what God can do for you, first and foremost it is about the debt that you own but can't afford to pay. God loves you but He demands death for the sins you have committed. Because He loves you He sent Jesus to die and pay for those sins, but you have to accept that gift. If you don't you will never be free from what torments you.

It may sound too easy, but the truth is that it is that easy. Ask God to help you, tell Him you hate your life and you don't know what to do, and ask Him to open your eyes and help you understand who He is and how much He loves you. If you look for Him and want to find Him you will. Your life will never be the same.

I will pray for you.

Ralph

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