I can't think of any alternates to suicide.

Hi,

I don't know what to say or how to say it. I have been divorced for a year now. I have never been loved by anyone. I was never wanted except to make other people happy. I am now in a position of having to choose between my job and my children. My ex husband does not want to help or see it from my point of view.

My parents never wanted me. But in 1961, there was now legal way to get an abortion. My parents only wanted me in order to get married because they were both underage at the time of their marriage. They knew they could only get married if there was a baby on the way. After I was born, I was not loved or wanted. That message was passed on to me quite early. I was always expected to be the perfect child. If I brought home a B or lower, it was not good enough. If I had a regular class instead of an honors class, it was not good enough. My parents went on to have other children after me. I was always being compared to my brothers and sisters. I was always told why can't you be pretty like your sisters or smart like your brothers.

Then my father died 2 ½ weeks before my 10th birthday. He was buried on Thanksgiving Day. I was made to feel like it was my fault what my mother was going through.

I have tried to live up to everyones expectations. I was the first to graduate high school, I was the first to go to college, I was the first to graduate college. I gave up my dreams of being an actress because everyone wanted a teacher in the family. I was living everyone else's dream. The things that they never got to do. I felt that if I became what they wanted, then they would love me. I'm not good at teaching, never have been. I even married like they wanted me to. Someone who I had known since the 7th grade; someone I thought actually loved me. Turns out he never loved me either. He broke my heart but yet let me know that the divorce was my fault alone. I feel like that what happened was not my fault. My family and his family took his side.

I totally and completely loved him and thought he felt the same way about me. For a time, I was happy. Almost two years after we married, our first daughter was born. Then three years later, our second daughter was born and I thought we were the perfect family. Everyone thought so and I thought we were also. Right after our 11th wedding aniversary, things started to fall apart. It was little things at first. He stopped wearing his wedding ring. He started staying out late at night.

Finally he moved out, saying we needed time apart. I somehow sensed that this was the beginning of the end. He moved back in right after Thanksgiving. I began to suspect that he was having an affair. I was right. He brought one of his "friends" with us to his mother's house for Christmas and they were very cozy on the couch together. They didn't seem to care that I was there. His family became very angry with me and wanted to know how could I allow this happen. I was hurt and humilated, but no one seem to care about my feelings. He moved out again in January. Then, in March, he told me how he was sorry about what happened and could I forgive him. Would I be willing to let him move back in and we start over again. Of course, I said yes. I was trying to save our marriage. Little did I know that the affairs were continuing. I didn't know how he felt until he served me with divorce papers in May. He stated that it just wasn't working out. He laid the blame at my feet, saying that I was at fault. At the time, I believed him. I truly thought it was might fault. I thought that maybe I didn't love him enough, or do enough around the house for him. I worked outside the home, and tried to do everything in the home to make him happy.

In September, a month before the divorce became final, I asked him if we could somehow work it out. That is when he dropped the biggest bombshell of all on me. It turns out that he never loved me at all. He married me for convenience so that he could hide the fact that he was gay from his parents who are devout Catholic. I was someone they knew and would accept according to him. But then he stated that he decided to come out of the closet because I was the one who drove him to do that. He said he would never have turned gay if it hadn't been for me. I am lazy, stupid, dumb, ugly, and fat and I had PMS really bad. According to him , I never worked outside of the home, cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids or anything else. So he became gay.

Now I take care of his children alone without help from anyone. There is no support system around me to help when needed. I am a teacher who now has to choose between the job and my own children. I have asked him to take the kids so that I could rebuild my life. He refuses. He said that I have to suffer the consequences for my actions. My boss says the job comes first and after school events/meetings come before my own children's after school events/activities. There is no one to take them to their events except for me.

I have tried to find other jobs but no one will hire me and I am limited as to where I can move so that it won't interfere with his visitation. I feel like I am in a no win situation. I feel that suicide is the only alternate left for me. I have tried dating but I have found these men to be the same. Either I give up my children or them. They want me to choose. Others have told me that I am so ugly that I must be dumb also. Well, I already know these facts. They are right. I am dumb and I am ugly.

I just can't think of any other alternates except to commit suicide. I feel like I am only here on this earth to please other people and to make them happy. When I have tried to speak up for myself, I get pushed back down again. I feel like I'm in a very deep hole with no way out. I'm desperately seeking alternates, but don't know where to turn anymore.

My response is in Green:

Thanks for writing me, I do have an alternative to suicide for you. It is God. But I want to start with some of the things you talked about in your message to me. Let's start with your parents. I am sure you have wondered in the past why me? Why did they not love you yet they seemed to love your brothers and sisters? I think I have an answer for you and it is not about you it is about them.

You said that they had you so that they could get married. There is a deeper issue there, it is called sin. What they did was a sin and I believe that every time they looked at you they realized what they did was wrong. Sin has a way of doing that. So every time they looked at you they felt that accusation in their hearts but instead of realizing that they took it out on you.

I would say it is the same with your husband. He can tell you anything he wants but you are not what drove him to being a homosexual. I will allow God to tell you what really caused your husband to choose that sinful lifestyle: (James 1:13-15 NIV) When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; {14} but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. {15} Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. See God says it was his own desire that caused your husband to choose to sin. He may blame it on you, but that is just a cop out to keep from owning responsibility. This is the same reason many people choose not to believe in God, because if they ever admitted that there is a God then they would have to answer to Him. They refuse to take responsibility for their own actions, so they deny there are any consequences. That does not mean they will never answer to God it just means that they never accept the free gift that God offers them. What a shame.

That brings me to another important point. We are all born with a sinful nature and we have all sinned. Here is what God says about sin: (Ezekiel 18:4 NIV) For every living soul belongs to me, the father as well as the son--both alike belong to me. The soul who sins is the one who will die. God says that the soul that sins will die and we all have sinned; that gives us all a death sentence from God. That is a big problem. Yet you have to take a Bible as a whole not just a few verses, so look at this: (Romans 5:8 NIV) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. So what does that mean? Well God is a holy being and He can't just change the rules and forgive us without payment for our sins. So He sent His Son; Jesus Christ to earth to die for our sins. To serve our death sentence for us. (2 Peter 3:9 NIV) The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. God does not take pleasure in punishing people, He wants everyone to come to Him in repentance and live.

God gave us a choice whether we want to love Him and ask for forgiveness or not. Most people refuse, they want to claim to be victims but never sinners. We are all victims, that is part of living in a sinful world, but we are all guilty also. Not one of us is innocent.

Even though none of us is innocent we are all victims of the very sin we are guilty of committing too. Let me explain; People will reject God because they want to run their own lives, they don't want to answer to anyone. The problem is that they are not free now. They are prisoners of their own sinful natures. They are tossed and turned by every evil thought that comes into their minds. I don't need to tell you this, you have seen it first hand. Some people choose to be more evil than others but they are all captive to their evil natures. Only God can set a person free from that evil nature. God wants to set them free and show them what life is really suppose to be like, but He allows them to make the decision.

He is giving you a choice right now. Don't think it was an accident that you ended up on my site. This is God reaching out to you; holding His hand out, but you have to reach back and take it. This is not about me, it is about you and God. I don't have the words to help you, I am nothing, except what God chose to use to speak to you. I wish I could give you some fantastic advise that would make you instantly better, but I have none, other than you need God in your life. Give Him a chance.

I will be honest with you, if you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior right now, you will still have the same problem with your job and your kids. Again that is part of living in this world. But that is not to say that things won't change because they will. You will no longer have to face that problem or any other problem alone. God will be right there to help you. How He will help you I can't know, but I know He will. I know that if you become His child by accepting His Son as your Savior, that you will find a peace you have never known before. I also know that there are lots of other believers out there who would help you. Maybe God would put you in a position so that another Christian could watch your children. I don't know, but I do know that He would help you.

Let me get to the bottom line. What would you gain by committing suicide? Okay, you would not have to choose between your job and your kids, but by committing suicide you would be choosing your escape (supposed escape) over your kids. See I can remember when I was like you and felt that death was better than the garbage I had to put up with in this life. I remember looking at corpses and thinking at least they did not have to put up with what I was dealing with. They looked so peaceful, I longed for that kind of peace and rest. There is just one problem, unless they knew Jesus Christ as their Savior, they were not at peace. Your body is only one part of you. There is a soul inside which is the real you. It is the you who will live for eternity.

That is right you will live for eternity one way or the other. Either you will live in heaven with God, enjoying His presence or you will spend eternity in hell, being punished for your sins. It is your choice, it is the only choice that really makes any difference at all. But back to my point. If you kill yourself, what do you get? You get out of this life and the garbage that goes along with it, right? Well, can you be sure? What if after you kill yourself you realize that death is a hundred times worse than what you tried to escape from? What then? As long as you are alive you have hope. Hope that things will get better, God puts that hope in your heart, but once you are dead it is over. Finished, signed sealed and delivered. Here is what God says: (Hebrews 9:27 NIV) Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment... See after you die it is all over except for standing before God in judgment.

I am sorry that your life has been the way it has been, but don't listen to the lies Satan is telling you about escaping through death. I will tell you what I believe happens; whatever problems you are dealing with when you die if you are not a child of God, you will carry for eternity. Sin and problems are like a backpack that you have on. You can drop that backpack at the foot of Jesus' cross by asking His to forgive you and help you, or you can die with that backpack still on your back. At that point the backpack can no longer be removed it is yours for eternity.

You said that you have tried to live up to everyone's expectations and you weren't able to do it. Well quit trying and give it to God. God says that when we accept Jesus as our Savior we become a new creature, the old has passed away. That happened to me. I am not the same person who I was 15 or 20 years ago. I enjoy my life now more than I have ever enjoyed anything. I tell people that I know there is a God because of what He has done for me, but even if somehow a person could convince me that there was no God, I still would not change how I live. Do you understand what I am saying? Even if I knew that when I died I would just become part of the universe and cease to exist I still would not go back to the way I was living before, because I am at peace and rest now. God lives in me and testifies to me that He is real. I would not give this up for anything. You owe it to yourself to check it out for yourself. God is waiting with out stretched arms; will you grab hold?

I will pray for you. Please feel free to write more if you like.

Ralph

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