I'm a hopeless case...

I don't know how to go about telling this to a complete stranger, but I guess it can't possibly hurt. I'm 25, and I have been struggling with suicidal feelings on and off for over 10 years. I've made a few attempts, landed in the hospital several times. I've been diagnosed with both depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I gave my life to Jesus when I was sixteen- ironically, all the bad stuff seemed to just get worse after that happened. On good days I tell myself that God knew I was going to go through a hard time so He led me to Him for the bad times. Other times I just wonder whether He cares. Why do I have to deal with this chemical imbalance that the doctors say I have? Why won't God heal me? My life is such a struggle.

Worst of all, I'm a burden to my family, who support me, my friends, who I'm constantly crying to, and even the government (I'm collecting disability) I go on a medication, then it stops working, then I go on another med and the same thing happens. Soon I there won't be any meds left. And I'm hopeless when it comes to serving God, I can't evangelize or do anything when I can't even get it together!

Can I ask you a question? It's a bit of a gross question, but I want to know. Have you ever seen a hanging suicide? This is how I am planning to die (if I do it) and I don't like the thought of my parents or sister discovering my body. I was planning to lock the door and slip a piece of paper under the door saying "It's finally over. Don't come in, just call the police and let them take care of everything." But I'm concerned they might try to come in anyway and I feel bad letting them see me hanging there. I don't care if it hurts, I am a failure and deserve to be hurt. If God sends me to hell for committing suicide, well, I probably deserve that too.

This is getting long so I'll wrap it up. I doubt you can help me- friends and doctors have tried, I'm a hopeless case.

My response is in Green:

Thanks for writing me. I am sorry that you think you are a hopeless case. If I agreed with you then I would not write back, but further if I agreed with you then I would be blaspheming God. I say that because it would be saying that God cannot help you and I know that is not true. God can do anything, if we will just allow Him to work in our hearts.

I understand what you mean that sometimes it seems like after you accept Christ as your Savior things get worse instead of better. Have you ever wondered why? I have and I think God gave me that answer. Paul says that we are in a battle that we can't see because it is not against flesh and blood but against spiritual powers; Satan and his demons.

But why would Satan come after you after you accept Christ? Well two reasons, first before you accepted Christ you belonged to Satan so he did not have to worry about you much. Second after you accepted Christ you got actively involved in the battle. You became part of the system God uses to reach others for Christ. Now if Satan can keep you down and keep you from showing what Christ did for you, what kind of witness are you going to be? Most of the time not much of one. Why would a sinner want Christ in their life if all the Christians are more miserable then they are?

Also I believe that we have to be very careful about thinking that because we have accepted Christ as our Savior we can commit suicide with impunity. Let me show you a couple of verses which I think show this: (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV) Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; {20} you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. Also: (1 Corinthians 3:17 NIV) If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple.

Now you said that if God sent you to hell for committing suicide then you probably deserve it. I will agree with you, but only because God will not punish anyone for something they don't deserve. But don't let Satan make you a victim. What do you gain by killing yourself. If you think you are miserable now and worthless, what makes you think you will feel any differently when you get to hell? The sad part is that there is no reason. God loves you. To deny that is to tell God that He is a liar. He says He loves you and He proved it by sending Jesus to die for your sins. Give God a chance.

Yes I have seen hanging victims. It is not a pleasant sight even when you don't know the person. Trust me this is not something you want to do. You asked a lot of questions that I can't answer but maybe I can give you some points to think about. You asked why God won't heal you. Maybe He is trying to get you to trust and lean on Him. That does not mean just praying that He heals you and when He doesn't giving up. It means trusting that whether He heals you or not that He loves you and cares and will help you.

We don't know exactly what the Apostle Paul's problem was, but we know that he prayed for God to take it away from him and God told him no. God told Paul that He was sufficient to help him deal with the problem. Maybe just maybe God is trying to tell you the same thing. Maybe He is trying to show you how much He loves you but you won't allow Him too.

There are endless possibilities because we serve an endless God. What if God is allowing you to go through these things so that when you finally totally give yourself to Him, He can use you to reach people just like yourself who don't know Christ? Don't discount that. I am an example of that. I thought of suicide, I felt lost and like I have no reason to live. I felt a lot like you, but when I finally got over it and told God that I wanted Him to run my life, He gave me this ministry. I am totally amazed at how many people He sends to my site.

I just try to write people from my heart and ask God to use my stupid words to make His point. The only qualifications I have is that I have been there and God rescued me. I know He can rescue anyone if He can save me. Paul said the same type of thing. Paul said that he had been the worst of sinners and yet God saved him so that it would prove to others that God can do anything. Wow, that describes me. I have made so many stupid mistakes and done so many bad things with my life. I have wanted to kill myself in the past, yet God uses me to talk to other people who also want to end their lives. I don't pull any punches and I don't candy coat anything, but I know from experience when you get to the point where you are thinking of suicide, the last thing you want is someone who is just speaking empty words.

Don't sell God short. Give Him a chance. He loves you and He wants to help you. He also has a plan for your life, but you have to totally give yourself to Him for Him to be able to take you down the right path. How do you do that? Well the first place to start is by talking to God. Not demanding that He heal you, but really talking to Him. Tell Him how you feel and how you need His help. Tell Him that you are not happy about it, but you will accept whatever kind of help He decides to give you, whether that is to cure you or just help you deal with the problems. You might be surprised how quickly things in your life change, but you will never know unless you truly give Him the chance.

Well you said you doubted that I could help and you are right, but as I have tried to show you, I know who can help. Please allow Him to.

Ralph

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