I think about suicide regularly. I haven't added much to this world. Anyone who is here can go on without me. I feel the pain of depression every day. I can't feel the happiness I should. I'm tired of medication and trying to find something that works. It comes back so often. The feelings of failure and looking back at mistakes. What can I offer anyone when I'm locked up inside myself. I want to give up. I don't have the ambition anymore.
My response is in Green:
Thank you for writing me. I understand at least part of your problems. I understand those feelings of failure and looking back at mistakes. I think this is something at all people struggle with. We can't go back and change something we did 30 second ago, much less things we did years ago, no matter how bad those mistakes were.
I have some good news for you. That burden for the past that you feel on your back can be taken off and dropped at the foot of the cross of Jesus Christ. God loves you enough to help you even with the past. We are all born into this world as sinners and have a tendency to sin. But God says that if we come to Him and believe that He sent His Son, Jesus to earth to live a sinless life and die for our sins. Then we need to recognize that and ask Him to forgive us. If we do then He will forgive us and here is the best part He will not remember our sins anymore. He will free you from that guilt of the past. You can change the future and what you do, but you can't change the past.
Just because God forgives and forgets about the past does not mean that He will take away the results of those mistakes. We still often have to deal with the ramifications of what we have done, but even in this God will walk with us and help us.
You asked what you could offer anyone when you are locked up inside yourself. I agree, but God can free you from yourself. He can give you a freedom and a peace that you have never had before.
Whether you know Jesus personally or not, you are in a battle which is raging between God and Satan. God loves you and Satan could care less about you, but Satan cares because God cares. Satan wants to hurt God in any way he can, but he is powerless against God. But since he knows that God loves you, then Satan knows if he can make you miserable and even get you to give up and take your own life that would hurt God.
God on the other hand truly loves you: (Romans 5:8 NIV) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. You have to reach out and take God's hand. He is extending it to you but He leaves the decision up to you: (Proverbs 8:17 NIV) I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. You won't find something you don't want to look for.
One last point. You may not think that anyone needs you in this world. You might not think that you have anything to offer this world, but you are wrong. If you accept Christ as your Savior I will guarantee you that God has a plan for your life. If you never accept Jesus Christ as your Savior, then you might be right, you might never contribute to this world, I don't know. I do know that if you get into God's will, He has something for you that will impact this world.
We don't always know how what we do for God effects others, but God knows. I will give you a very short example. I am not sure you have ever heard of D.L. Moody or not, but he is considered one of the greatest preachers of the last century. He was working as a shoe salesman in a shoe store and one day a Christian came in and told him about Jesus. Moody got saved that day.
No one remembers that person who witnessed to Moody. That is too bad, because if it were not for that person maybe those thousands of people Moody brought to Christ would have gone to hell. My point is this; you might not be a D. L. Moody, but you might be the person that God is going to use to reach the next D. L. Moody, or the next Billy Graham. Don't sell yourself or God short. He had a plan for your life before you were even born, it is up to you if you ever find out what that plan is or not. It is up to you if you live whatever time you have on this earth as a failure and with the guilt of the past or if you live this life with a joy and peace in your heart because the God of the universe loves you enough to save you and make sure you can spend eternity with Him.
You said you don't have the ambition anymore. Fine, allow God to take over. Just call out to Him and ask Him to save you and help you. I know He will. If you would like to know more please feel free to write me back.
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)