Nobody gets it... I have lost everything...

Ya know... Nobody gets it... I have lost everything... The only thing that has kept me going this long was my little sister and fine arts. Well guess what... Choir bores me, I'm not good enough to make the school drama troupe, and I hardly ever see my little sister. My parents divorced when I was really little. I got sent with my mother. I never have and still don't do well in school, and it only gets worse with time. The harder I try the worse I do. I am ugly, which explains why the only guys that ask me out are nerds and such and even THEY dump me in 3 weeks or less. My Grandmother died about five or so years ago and I didn't even have the FORESIGHT to say goodbye... 'Oh, she'll be here tomorrow' I told myself... SHE WASN'T! She died that night, and my mom gets a call before sunrise that Grandmother was GONE... I don't even fit in with my own FAMILY! The only one of them that I really got along with was Grandmother... And she's dead. The one I looked up to for so long, My aunt Erin, is as depressed as me, 95% of the time. She's had a more messed up life than I want to imagine, from what I gather. Every one of my mom's sisters, AND my mom have divorced at LEAST once. I don't wanna go through that! When I'm with my two best friends I feel like a 3rd wheel. I've tried three times to go live with my dad, and every time my mom guilt tripped me out of it! Church used to be my little escape, but now, it depresses me too. I write... I used to write happy things... Now, everything is darkness... Pain... Anger, sadness and hate... I have nothing left... NOTHING! DON'T YOU PEOPLE GET IT?! I HAVE NOTHING LEFT!!!! I wanna go home... I wanna go be with Grandmother? How is that a sin? How can you tell me that it's a sin to want to be with Jesus... with God...... With Grandmother? You don't get it... You sit there on your 'holier-than-thou' High horse and look down on me, telling me that it's a sin to wanna go home and get out of this hell-hole... Well, I'm telling you now, I'm not gonna take that anymore... Give me one good reason I should stay? I have NOTHING! My DOG ignores me, anymore!!!! Give me ONE GOOD REASON! ONE!!!! please? I... I don't wanna die... But I can't stay here like this... I just wanna go home... I don't wanna wake up tomorrow morning and go to school... I don't wanna keep on hating myself... I don't wanna keep solving everybody elses problems for them, then running and hiding in my room with no way out of my own... This IS my only way out... I don't see any other way... please? Can't anyone help me? Doesn't anybody understand? Does NOBODY get it?!

My response is in Green:

Thanks for writing me. I am sorry that you think I am seated on a "holier than thou" high horse. It makes me wonder if you really read much of my site. I don't think I am holier than you. The reason I posted the suicide help page on my site was because there was a time in my life when I too thought that was the way out of the pain. I just came to realize later that it was all a lie, death does not bring peace and freedom from pain unless death is ordained by God and the person has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

I am sorry that you have had a rough time, but most people have challenges of one kind or another. I get many letters from people who want to kill themselves. All the reasons are different but yet they are all the same, there is some problem or combination of problems which the person does not want to face anymore. For some people it is loneliness, for others it is physical pain, and for others it is emotional pain.

The answer for all of them and for you and it was the answer for me too, is Jesus Christ. You need the right relationship, not just one in words but a real relationship. We were all born into a sinful world and we are all sinners who are sentenced to death by a just and holy God. Our only hope is through forgiveness by Jesus Christ. The problem that many people have is that they understand that they need Jesus to be their Savior, but they don't realize that to continue to live and function in this life we need more than just salvation. Salvation is kind of like getting a ticket to heaven. That is great if you are about to die, but if you have to live here a while longer before your trip to heaven you need more than that. You need a true relationship with Christ.

What does having a real personal relationship mean? Well to start with it means talking to that person. Prayer is how we talk to God. Many people think just because they give God a list of thinks they want Him to do for them on a daily basis, that they have spoken to Him. I have to wonder if they aren't talking to the ceiling sometimes. He wants us to talk to Him, not demand that He do things for us. We would not treat our earthly friends that way, or if we did, we would not have them as friends for long.

It also means allowing that person to talk to us. How does God speak to us? Mainly through His word. Yet many Christians never bother to open the Bible and learn about God. They are quick to tell people that God does not care about them, or that He is not listening to them, but they never bothered to try to get to know Him. I think that God often puts things in our path so that we will reach out to Him. It is too bad that we often don't reach out, we just get bitter and claim that He does not care about us. How can we say that after He send His only Son to die for us?

You need to get your eyes off of yourself for a while and put them on Jesus. Your whole message to me was about you and how you felt. I understand that but you have to realize that there is more to this life than you. The more we focus on ourselves the worse things get.

You said you don't fit in with your family, you feel like a third wheel with your friends and church depresses you. Then you need to find a place that you do fit in and again that is with Jesus Christ. He died for you and He wants you to have a relationship with Him. If you get where you should be with Him you will find the peace and happiness that you are longing for. That does not mean that all your troubles will be over, but it does mean that He will help you through them.

I am not telling you any of this because I am so spiritual and you are not. Nor am I telling you thins because I am sitting on my high horse. I am just like you. I have struggled with thoughts of suicide in the past and felt that I was worthless and of no use to anyone. That changed when I quite trying to live for myself and started living for God. I am here on this earth because God wants me here and so are you. The instant God does not want you here anymore you will die. You will not argue with Him and you won't take even one more breath, that will be it. But you need to realize that it is His decision when you die not yours.

You won't know what His plan is for your life until you get to the point where you are willing for Him to lead your life. Maybe He has great plans for your life, and maybe He just wants you to be a quiet witness for Him. Either way, you won't know until you give it all to Him. You also won't ever be happy until that happens. Look at the people around you. Those that you think have it all together, or are always happy. Are they really? Look at people who seem to have everything that would make a person happy. They have good looks, money, friends, great jobs and great families, yet many are contemplating suicide just like you are. The reason is because none of that is really important. What is important is that relationship with God, without which none of us is really happy. If you don't believe me then watch the biography channel on TV for about a week. You will see people who seemed to be at the top of the world, but their private lives were full of pain and loneliness.

You also asked how I could tell you it was a sin to want to be with Jesus. That is not a sin. I long to be with Him too. The sin part is how you plan on getting to be with Him. Let me give you a couple of verses: (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV) Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; {20} you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. Can you honestly tell me that committing suicide is honoring your body? (1 Corinthians 3:17 NIV) If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple. Your body is God's temple, it is where He lives.

There are days when I long to die and go be with Jesus, but like I said earlier, it is up to Him not me. When He wants me I won't be able to stop from going. If you commit suicide you are telling God that your feelings are worth more than His. You are saying that you don't love Him enough to follow Him and allow Him to guide your life. You are further telling Him that you don't believe He is able to help you through the tough times, or that you don't think He cares enough to help you.

Look at this verse: (Ezekiel 18:24 NIV) "But if a righteous man turns from his righteousness and commits sin and does the same detestable things the wicked man does, will he live? None of the righteous things he has done will be remembered. Because of the unfaithfulness he is guilty of and because of the sins he has committed, he will die. Now take that verse along with the one about destroying God's temple (which by the way was written to Christians) and it should make you think twice about committing suicide and still thinking you will be allowed into heaven. But let's say that you are still allowed into heaven, what are you going to tell Jesus? Are you going to tell Him that you wanted to be with Him so badly that you did not care anything about what He wanted? Is that really the way you want to treat the One who was beaten for you? The One who took your shame so you would not have to? Who hung naked on the cross as a common criminal although He never did anything wrong? Why did He go through that? It was because He loved you. I am sure He did not want to take the burden of our filth and our shame, but there was no other way to save us, so He did it for us.

No I am not holier than you, I am just as bad or even worse than you will ever be. God really got a hold of me one day. I was reading the story of the woman who wiped Jesus' feet with her hair: (Luke 7:39-48 NIV) When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is--that she is a sinner." {40} Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you." "Tell me, teacher," he said. {41} "Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. {42} Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?" {43} Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled." "You have judged correctly," Jesus said. {44} Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. {45} You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. {46} You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. {47} Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." {48} Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven." God made me realize just how much I have been forgiven. I can never love Him enough, nor can I ever serve Him enough. I want others to know how much God loves them. I don't want Satan to deceive people and talk them into killing themselves when God has plans for them here.

You know I am a no body, with nothing to offer anyone either. I placed my stupid pitiful testimony on the Internet four years ago, thinking that no one would ever see it anyway. I posted it because I felt God wanted me to do it. That was 200,000 hits ago. I have been called all kinds of names, I have been attacked, I have received satanic e-mails all because I put my e-mail address on my web site. But you know what, the joke is on Satan because through this all I have gotten a much closer walk with God. I am still a long ways away from where I should be, but I am moving in the right direction. Not because I am better or holier than you, but because I finally learned to trust God. I am nothing but He is everything. When I realized that my life changed and so will yours. Give Him an chance!!

I hope you will ignore me and turn to the One and only One who can really help you. He is waiting for you to reach out and grab His hand. I will pray for you.

Ralph

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