I am just tired of being scared and see no other way out.

I am a 29 year old mother of 3, I married my husband in 1992, only to find myself going through a divorce 3 years later. I was beaten on numerous occasions my self esteem was knocked to the ground and I decided one day that I had had enough. My 2 year old daughter, at the time, and I packed our clothes and moved in with my Dad. My husband was always around, he followed me everywhere I went, it was like living in hell again! I followed through with the divorce. 5 months later we got back together, because he promised me he had changed. He was an active memeber in church and things seemed to be working out for him. Here it is 6 years later, I have 2 more children and I am living this all over again. In the past year I have had a knife pulled on me, I have been spit on, beaten, and I have no self esteem left anymore. My husband starts fights wiht me almost everday and then blames me. I am starting to belive that there is nothing to live for anymore. He tells me if I leave him again that he will find me. I dont want to burden anyone else in my family for help, I had the help I needed and I went back to him. I am scared to leave, but I hate living in this, what I call hell. The only way I see a way out is to commit suicide, that way he WONT find me again to hurt me. I do not attend church, but I do believe in Jesus Christ and that he died for my sins. As far as having a clear mind to commit suicide, I do. I am just tired of being scared and see no other way out.

My response is in Green:

I don't claim to be a marriage counselor, but I know that God can help you with this too. If you are being abused you should get yourself and your kids out of the situation. Have him arrested and press charges.

No matter how bad your life is now it is nothing compared to what hell is really like. You won't get away from anything by killing yourself. You said you are beginning to believe there is nothing worth living for. Well what about Christ? What about your children?

You mentioned that you don't attend church. You need to, that is where a Christian gets support and encouragement. If you don't attend church then you are losing out on a lot.

You also said you don't want to burden anyone else in your family. Don't you think suicide would burden them? Don't you think they care enough about you to want to help? Don't you think God cares enough about you to want to be involved in your life?

See you say your self-esteem is gone, but I don't think that is your problem, I think you are looking for an easy way out. You need to fight this. You need to think about God and what He wants out of your life. No matter what mistakes we have made in the past, He will not forsake us. That does not mean that He will take all the consequences for those mistakes away, but He will help us face them. If He is keeping you breathing then He must have a plan for your life. I know He wants your children to have a Christian mother.

You said you have a clear mind about suicide, I understand what you are saying, but yet I think your mind has been clouded. You think suicide will be an escape, but it won't. Let me give you a possible result of suicide in your life. What if you end up in hell and are totally alone. No one to talk to, no one to confide in, no one to comfort you, nothing. There you are, totally alone and away from everything. Would the thought of your children ever run through your mind? I am sure it would. What agony it would be to be where you can't do anything for them, you can't even know what it going on with them. You would spend eternity never knowing.

You might spend eternity wondering if your suicide sent your children to hell. Maybe they rejected God because they saw that He was not enough to keep you from killing yourself. Can you imagine spending eternity wondering if your kids are in the same place that you are, suffering the same way you are?

Don't let Satan tell you that death is an escape. Don't let him tell you that things will be better after you are dead. You will remain the same person you are now for eternity. I say that because what makes you, you? Your soul does and your soul will never perish, it will live on in one of two places forever.

Look at the story Jesus told: (Luke 16:19-31 NIV) "There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. [20] At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores [21] and longing to eat what fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.
[22] "The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried. [23] In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. [24] So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'
[25] "But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. [26] And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'
[27] "He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, [28] for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'
[29] "Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'
[30] "'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'
[31] "He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.'"

Notice that the rich man even though he was in torment remembered his family and was worried about them. He could not see them, he could not know what was happening, but he was worried about them and wanted someone to do something to keep them from coming to the same place he was. That is hell!! You don't want to go there and you don't want to spend eternity with those questions on your mind.

You need to get right with God and start acting like a daughter of the King. Go to church, talk to God daily and read His word. You need to ask other Christians for help and support. You need to start thinking of eternity and not just today. I am not trying to belittle the struggles you are having today, but you need to deal with them with your mind on the future. God will help you.

Ralph

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