I want to go to heaven, but I can't take much more of this suffering.

I don't usually talk with strangers, but I have been contemplating suicide because my life sucks too. I am recently divorced. I have had multiple partners. Then I was saved. Got engaged and married to a girl I was having sex with before I was saved. After I was saved, we still moved in together. After we got married, she treated me like a doormat. The one girl I have ever tried to really love, treated me like a piece of crap. I was so happy the day I got married, tears ran down my cheek as I thanked God for turning my life around. Then, after the honeymoon, all hell broke loose in my life and I am so angry. Why did this happen to me. For once, I was happy, and it all caved in on me when I was trying to do the right thing. Why was I punished for trying to do the right thing. I wanted the responsibility of a marriage and to be the spiritual leader. Now I am broke, depressed and in debt and don't think I will ever try to love again and I am just 27 years old. I was so close to God. Now I am just one big miserable mess. My parents divorced, my mom has been in a mental hospital as have I. My dad constantly puts me down. I have been picked on and put down my entire life starting as far back as elementary school. I am a sex addict as a result of trying to fill this empty void. I have more problems than I can count. I still pray for help, but it just seems to be totally overwhelming at times. I want to go to heaven, but I can't take much more of this suffering. I hate people for the most part because of my past. I never deserved any of the put downs in my life. I still get it today. I'm everyone's doormat. I am so angry inside, suicide won't leave my head. What can I do to get right with God, even though I am upset that he let me go through such a miserable ordeal in my life.

My response is in Green:

My reply to you might upset you but I ask that you read the whole thing before you make any decisions. The trust often hurts but it is still the truth.

I noticed a few things from your message to me. First is that you seem to equate your fulfillment to the relationship with your wife. She is human and if you place your faith in a human you are destined to fall. Your hope and your faith should be in God.

You mentioned that you got saved but you never mentioned if your wife was a Christian. It makes a difference. If she is not a Christian then she would not be able to understand what was happening to you. God tells us not to be unequally yoked for that very reason. But that is the past, my point is that you seem to blame God for your marriage not being good. You say that you were finally trying to do the right thing and then you were punished. Are you sure God was punishing you? Maybe your wife just decided (made a choice) that she did not love you. That is part of the evil nature of people. We decide to love then we decide not to love any more. God is not like that. When you were married to your wife, you were married in the eyes of God. He will not try to destroy your marriage. If you think He might, then you need to get out His word and find out who He really is, because you are mistaken!

I also notice in your message that you blame others for your behavior. You said that you are a sex addict as the result of trying to fill the empty void in your life. If there is a void in your life, then you need to get right with God. I will agree that many people try to fill the place in their life where God should be with sex, drugs, you name it, but that does not excuse them. Being a sex addict outside of marriage is a sin and it is not justified before God not matter what your life was like. We all sin because our hearts are full of sin, not because others drove us to it. Until you admit that the only person who is responsible for your sin is you, you will not get the freedom from those sins that God offers you.

You said that you hate people for the most part. Again this is called sin. If you wonder why God seems distant and like He is not listening to you or helping you then you need to get rid of the sin which is separating you from Him. There is no easy way to say it. You say you hate people because of your past, but again that does not make it right. When you were saved you became a new creature in Christ, so the past was gone and you need to put it out of your mind and start living like you are a new creation.

You can continue to be the victim and blame everyone including God for your troubles or you can get on your knees and confess your sins to God and ask Him to guide your life. It is up to you, but I will tell you that you will never get out from under this load of junk until you do give it to God.

Let me show you what God thinks of people who question His justice: Job 40:7-8 (NIV) 7 "Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. 8 Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself?" If God did not give Job any slack do you think He will give you some for blaming Him for your troubles?

You asked what you could do to get right with God even though you are upset with Him. First you can admit that He owes you nothing. He sent His only Son to die for your sins. He did this because He loves you, not because you deserved it or because He felt He owed you anything. You can quit being upset with Him and admit that even if He decides to take you life tonight you will serve Him. You can ask Him to forgive you for your attitude and your past sins. You can turn from those sins and live the kind of life God wants for you, no excuses about what happened in the past, only an attempt to live right from here on out. You can ask Him to help you. He has not stopped loving you. He never changes. If you were close to God and now you are not, then you are the one who moved not Him.

Thank Him for what He has done for you. He sent His Son to die in your place, you will never be able to say thank you enough for that. I know that He has given you other blessings too. No matter how bad your past was it was God who reached out to you, not you to Him. This is what Jesus said: John 6:44 (NIV) 44 No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day. So you see God reached out to you and saved you. Are you still upset with Him? If so then you need to do some deep soul searching.

One last thing. You mentioned that suicide would not leave your mind. I don't pull any punches as you may have noticed, so I will tell you straight up that if you kill yourself I believe you will find yourself in hell for eternity. If you think your life up to this point has been miserable, you haven't seen anything yet. Don't let Satan convince you that death is a way out, it is not. You won't get out of hell by telling God that He was not fair to you, or that other people caused you to be the kind of person you were. There is only one way out of hell and it has to be taken before you end up there; that is through the saving blood of Jesus Christ. Christ's blood will only cover sins which we are willing to admit we have committed. 1 John 1:8-10 (NIV) 8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

I hope you will take my comments in the way they were meant. You have not committed any sin which God can't forgive if you will ask Him. God loves you and I believe He has shown that in at least two ways; by sending Jesus to die for your sins, and by drawing you to salvation. Don't let Satan take any of that away from you.


From another reader:

I am a Christian who waited for the 'right' man. I married him, (he was a Christian) and devoted myself to him. After four years of an absolutely hellish marriage, I discovered the truth. He was a sex addict who frequented prostitutes and other women regularly.

This discovery was agonising. I felt so ruined, so let down and disappointed. We had counseling, but it soon became clear that he was unwilling to stop what he was doing - in fact, this behaviour started happening on a daily basis. I agonised before God on my face begging him for my marriage, but all I saw was the complete and utter devastation that was occuring - and I was powerless to stop it.

That was three years ago. I will not divorce him because I still believe it is right for me to pray for him and love him - be it at a distance. He is now a ruined man. And he has done it to himself.

My suggestion to you is this. God did not do this to you, just as He did not do this to me. You are not alone in your pain. Use this to draw you closely to God. God has allowed me - fearful, and wounded as I have been, to crawl into His lap and let Him comfort me.

You have sinned, in the past. Have you repented? Have you apologised to your wife for your part in compromising her? Have you been the one to stand in the gap here? Stand up with the small amount of strength you have, and on ever so shaky legs, go to your God and beg Him for His help. Cry, wail, refuse to let Him go - ACTIVELY SEEK GOD... you can come through this because I have.

It is painful - I know that. But even allowing a small pin prick of the light of God can change everything.

I'll leave you with this - the whole world may be out of control, you may be out of control - but God is never out of control - nothing is beyond His grasp.


E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)

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