i am simply tired of the struggle. for the whole 33 years of my life i have only very brief memories of being happy. i have continually screwed up my life along with anyone around me. i have a neurological condition that continues to get worse. there is no one around me that can understand or comprehend what is happening to me. i feel as if i am in a hole and as hard as i try to get out i continually pull more dirt in on myself. i have buried myself alive. for years i have stuggled on how to deal with everything in my life which has resulted in some really bad side effects. my body is scarred from years of cutting myself to deal with my frustrations. my anger and hurt has done nothing but ruin lives around me when i feel betrayed because those people can't find the capacity to love me. i am a mean and spiteful person not fit for taking up space or air on this earth. my last hope was with a wonderful man that i felt truly loved me. when he betrayed my trust in him, i lashed out and hurt him back. when i thought we had worked things out the things i did in spite came back to haunt me and now he hates me with a passion that is killing me. for years i have fought with my failures and my desire to end the never-ending torture and pain i have felt and still feel now. each time i fight this never-ending battle my resolve gets weaker and weaker. my grasp for something to hold on to slips more each time. i cant look at myself in the mirror because i hate the ugliness that looks back at me. i actually don't have the nerve to do a quick job. i have decided to do this in a drawn out manner i guess further punishment for my evilness. i can feel my body slowing shutting down and i can feel the weakness day by day. i don't want a messy ending. i don't even want anyone to know i committed suicide that is why i have chosen to do it this way. right now i am pregnant with a child that i know i cant bear to bring any pain upon. i know what vitality i have left will go to this child. my body at this point in time cannot survive another childbirth. but this child was an innocent and cannot pay for my sins. so hopefully what life i do have left will go to this child and he can live without seeing the grief and pain of his mother. i think he will have a better chance in life that way.
My response is in Green:
Well your message is full of truths but you have missed them yourself. Your message is sad because you don't see the truths that you are speaking. Here is what I am talking about. You have described most people's lives. We all continually screw up, that is part of the curse put on creation when Adam and Eve sinned. Since that time every human being born of a human father and mother has been born with a sinful nature. The sinful nature is passed on from Father to offspring. I mention that because it explains how Jesus; God's Son could come to earth as a sinless human. He did not have a human father, His Father was God. Anyway, for the rest of us, we are born with evil hearts. We all sin, not one person other then Jesus Christ has ever lived a sinless life. All of the rest of us have fallen short.
You said that you hate the ugliness you see when you look in the mirror, that ugliness is sin. We are all tainted with it, unless we ask God to forgive us. God sent His only Son to die for us so that we would be able to be free from sin.
You really struck me when you talked about feeling like you were in the bottom of a hole wand dirt was falling in on you. I use to describe how I felt in much the same way. I used to feel like I was in the bottom of a fresh dug grave and dirt was slowing falling in on me. I felt like everyone I met threw one more handful in on top of me. The good news is I got out of that grave with the help of Jesus Christ and I know He can and will help you too if you will allow Him to.
The cutting is another symptom of the same disease. Sin will consume you, it will suck the life right out of you. I am not telling you anything you don't already know, but maybe you did not realize why it was happening.
You mentioned being punished for your past. We all deserve to be punished, but the punishment is not something we can afford to pay. See all sin is an offense against a Holy God and He demands death to those who commit it. The good news is that He loves us and doesn't want to punish us. So He paid the price for us, by sending His only Son to die in our place. Then He raised Jesus from the dead so that we can have hope that we too will rise from the dead if we believe in Him.
You also mentioned being spiteful and having it come back to haunt you. I understand what you mean there too, but again you have misdirected it. There is nothing you can do about the past other than confess it to God, but you should not judge your life by whether people love you or not. If you keep your eyes on people you will constantly be disappointed and looking for fulfillment which never materializes. Your only hope and the only hope of any person is through the blood of Jesus Christ. You can count on God, He will never leave you or quit loving you, humans will, it is our nature.
I urge you to get a Bible and start reading it. Find out who God is and why you need Him in your life. Find out what happens after you die. You will spend eternity in one place or another, you should find out about both and decide which place you want to spend eternity in.
John 3:16 (NIV) For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. That includes you!
Romans 5:8 (NIV) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Think about that. God knew the kind of person you were going to be, just like He knew the kind of person I was going to be, yet He still sent His Son to die for us.
God will not force Himself on you, you have to come to Him because you want to, but He is waiting with outstretched arms waiting for you to come to Him.
You talked about your innocent child, again you are right, so why take your child's mother away? Give your child a fighting chance and even better than that give your child the path to eternal life by walking that path yourself. No one will ever love you as much as God does, don't turn your back on that.
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)