I have no hope anymore.

i was reading your site and i not trying to be mean but i am just more depressed. i am glad that you have it up and im sure you can help a lot of people this way but i have no hope any more. i have only been a christian for a little over a year now and it was good but to me it seems like my life only keeps getting worse. i used to go to church every week but now im down to only once or twice a month. thats because i cant stand to be there anymore. everytime i go there i just feel worse and go to the bathroom and cry because i have to be there. i have gone through too much in this life to keep going in this pain filled life doesnt make sense to me. i have been through hell since i was 3yrs old but it got worse recently within the last 3 years.

i am now 23yrs. old and i can remember that i told my dog (when i was 8) that i wouldnt live past the age of 23 because i would kill myself by then. i am on my second marraige and second kid the first i gave for adoption after having her for two years which was really hard. i have no family, they all refuse to anything to do with me. and thats not exagerating none of my family will talk to me. i dont have any friends whatso ever. none. its killing me. it hurts so bad not to have a mom. i need her so bad. my husband is all i have and he doesnt understand clinical deppression and just makes it worse by blaming me for the stupid things i do when i get upset. i get closer and closer every day to doing it. my husbands family all hate me too. and yes im not exagerating all of them hate me. i cant stand how his mom calls here just to talk trash about me when he is all i have left in this world and if he leaves me i would die right away. but i still want to die now i mean the world would be a happier place without me here.

you have no idea how bad my heart hurts i feel like God hates me and that he doesnt care that im hurting because i have been hurting for such a long time and i just cant even remember a time when i have ever been happy. i dont think there is any thing wrong with wanting to go home to Jesus and i ask him every day almost to please take me home. i just cant take the pain in my heart anymore. i am sick of being on drugs to help me and which they dont by the way, and im sick of not having anyone to talk to and im sick of not having a family or friends. i am sick of crying all the time and im sick of my life and of being ugly and fat and just being accused by the world that im a selfish brat who doesnt care about anyone but myself. that just makes me want to do it even more because if everyone says that wouldnt it be better off for everyone if i just was gone? i do. i need to go home.

My response is in Green:

I am not surprised that you found my page even more depressing. It didn't give you the information you wanted, but I believe it gave you the information you needed. You said you became a Christian a little over a year ago. I am not sure what you mean by that. Oh I know what it means to be a Christian, but I am not sure that is what you mean. You stated that you hate going to church. Well I think that is part of your problem. You need to get your eyes off yourself and onto Christ.

I am bothered by something else you said. You said that your life has been hell since you were 3 years old. What happened when you were 3? I doubt that you have any real meaningful memories of when you were 3, so someone must have told you about this, or you have gone to counseling where they have "helped" you go back and remember things. Either way, you are just wallowing in the past. When you accepted Christ as your Savior became a new creation, the old passed away and all became new. I did not say that God says that: (2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV) Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! You need to let go of the past and life for today and for God. That is also a majority of the problem with all those people you claim hate you. What is there to like, if all you do is wallow in the past and how bad you life was, is and will be? I am not trying to be mean, but you need to realize that you have some control over what you life is by how your attitude is. And even if you don't, which I don't believe, God does. Give it to Him and allow Him to help you.

You said all the drugs you are taking aren't working, I am not surprised, because I think your major problem is a spiritual one not a physical or emotional one. You need to really get right with God and allow Him to run your life. When you allow God's love to permeate your life and shine through you, you will be amazed at how differently people start treating you.

Get out a Bible and start reading it. Get on your knees and start talking to God. Put the past behind you and look forward. Find out what God wants of you, what He wants you to do with your life. I will tell you what He does not want; He does not want you to commit suicide. He does not need your help, if He is ready for you to die you can't do anything about it.

You even went so far as to say that you think God hates you, then why would you what to die and go be with Him? By saying that you are saying you can't believe that He sent His only Son to die for you, and if you can't believe that then what salvation do you have? You need to go back to the foot of the cross on which Jesus Christ died for your and find your Savior. You need to read God's word and figure out who He is and that He loves you. You need to find out that God is Almighty and can help you with any problem. Don't deny His power!!

You said your husband doesn't understand clinical depression. Well I do and I will tell you that it doesn't mean anything. To be 'clinically' depressed all you have to do is answer the right questions the right way and you are diagnosed. There is no blood test, there is not way to prove it, you are because the doctor says you are: clinically. And no it is not an excuse for acting stupid, when you get upset. That is called sin. (Ephesians 4:26-27 NIV) "In your anger do not sin" : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, {27} and do not give the devil a foothold.

You need to decide do you want to serve God and allow Him to control your life or remain in the muck and mire that you are in now? God did not send Jesus Christ to earth to suffer and die for you so that you could live this kind of life. He offers you freedom, but you have to take it. He has the power, nothing in too hard for Him. The problem is that just as He does not force salvation on people He will also not force freedom on you. This is what Jesus said: (Matthew 16:24 NIV) Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." That means to put your own desires behind what God wants from you. If you will do that you will find that what God wants for you will benefit you and make you happy, but as long as you try to make yourself happy you never will be.

(Jeremiah 17:5-9 NIV) This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD. {6} He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. {7} "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. {8} He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." {9} The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? You don't need to be like a bush in the wasteland, you can be a tree planted by the water.

You are in a battle with the devil over your soul. You need to get into the fight and the only way to do that is to trust God, to ask Him to help you and to put on your armor: (Ephesians 6:11-17 NIV) Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. {12} For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. {13} Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. {14} Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, {15} and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. {16} In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. {17} Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Only God knows your heart, but from your letter I would suggest that you take stock of what you have and where you are. If you have never truly realized that you are a sinner, that you have done wrong things, not because of someone else but because at heart you are a sinner, then that is the first place you need to go. (Romans 3:22-23 NIV) This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, {23} for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God... Then you need to ask Jesus to forgive you and come into your heart. You need to believe that He is who He said He is; the Son of God and that He died for your sins. (Romans 10:9-10 NIV) That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. {10} For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

Then stand on His promises. (Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV) Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. {29} He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. {30} Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; {31} but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Read your Bible every day because that is where faith comes from: (Romans 10:17 NIV) Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.

Suicide is not the answer. No matter how bad your life is or has been it can't compare to what awaits those who die without Christ as their Savior. Don't take that chance. (Ephesians 2:4-5 NIV) But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, {5} made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved.

I hope you will allow God to take control of your life. Don't let that statement you made at 8 years old become a self fulfilling prophecy, it doesn't need to be. Trust God.

Ralph

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