I was a cop too once and saw what you saw. That was a long time ago but it still changed me. I have tried to get my life together. I suffer all the time with depression although I go for therapy and get medication. I work for an escort service now and have done that for two years without anyone knowing. I need the good money and see it as a means to an end. I hate most all people because they are so rude and mean. Every moment of my life is hell. I can't do anything right anymore. I'm clumsy, disorganized, and don't want to go on suffering anymore. My child was kidnapped by his father and was missing for ten years and is now in an institution. He is getting worse. I stopped going to college because I can't handle leaving the house anymore. Without this job, I can't afford to provide for my son's needs. For many many years, since teen years, I've felt doomed. I know Jesus but I can't talk to him anymore. I don't talk to anyone. I tried to check myself into a hospital but they wouldn't take me without insurance. I have a great marriage and great home but no one understands that I don't want any part of this life anymore. Sometimes I have bad depressive episodes and want to go to sleep and never wake up. Now is one of those times. No one ever pays attention to my remarks about ending it all. They just say, "Oh, don't talk like that". Well, I'm getting closer and just took some pills so, they probably wont notice that either. Maybe Jesus could help me but I've already given up... The doom I feel inside never goes away. Bad things constantly happen to me and I feel like someone is playing a practical joke on me at times, just to see what I can take. Well, I'm reaching my breaking point. And I think things will only get worse.
My response is in Green:
Thank you for writing to me. You said you don't talk to anyone, so I was glad that you felt like you could at least talk to me a little bit. It sounds like you are sinking into quicksand, the more you sink the stronger the suction gets. Been there done that, almost didn't make it back.
You said you know Jesus so I take that to mean that you know Him as your Lord and Savior? If so (and that is the assumption I will write the rest of my message on) then you have hope. He loves you just as much today as He did the day He died for your sins. You have had victory over sin and darkness, but it seems that the darkness is over taking you again. You have to fight this. I understand what you mean when you say that you don't want any part of this life anymore, but it is not your choice. It is up to God when you take your last breath and it is a sin to take that choice and make it yours.
I am pretty blunt, but I think you will understand that being an ex-cop also. When I read your message I saw a deep dark place in your heart. It is an ugly place that I believe God wants access to so that He can clean it up. You have to let go, give it up. You can't do this on your own and you know it. I think you also know that God can help you if you will just let Him. It is time to let go of the pain and hurt and ask God to heal and cleanse you.
You said you can't talk to Jesus anymore, that is not true. It might be hard, but you can do it. You are just afraid to face the things that you know you will have to face if you do talk to Him. I get the sense that you are running from God, but I don't know why. He should be your strength and your refuge: (Psalms 46:1 NIV) God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
You are sinking into that quicksand and God is standing right there with outstretched hands but you have to reach out and grab them. You said you don't want to suffer anymore, then give it to God and allow Him to help you. Every moment of your life does not need to be hell. That is not to say that everything will disappear over night if you trust God, but it will start to change, because you will change.
I just can't tell you enough that what you really need is to get back close to God. This life is worth nothing without Him. You will never be happy or satisfied without Him. This world and all its wisdom cannot help you either. If you have a physical ailment maybe but if your problem is spiritual then the only one who can help is God. Many people to go therapy and take medications, but they do very little good because what they have is not physical. If what is wrong with a person is depression (not caused by a chemical imbalance) then all medication can do is deaden the pain and thereby maybe help the person get out of the depression, but it will most likely come back. If God heals the heart, where the source of the problem is then it won't come back. That is unless we walk off the path that He has for us.
I know that I am preaching at you, but I believe with all my heart that what you need is to get on your knees and ask God to help you. You need to let Him control your life. I speak from experience, that is when my healing started. You cannot share control with God, He will let you have it all unless you give it all to Him. Look at it this way, you have been in control and it has not worked, isn't it time to let Him show you how He wants your life to be? I guarantee He does not want you living the kind of depressed defeated life you described when you wrote me. Christ was victorious over sin and death on the cross and through Him we can have victory too.
You said you were a cop, well it is like having that radio on but never using it to call for backup. Help is a call away, but you have to make the call. God has given you many promises in His word about how He will stand by you and strengthen you and help you. You don't have to be strong, in fact the stronger you try to be the worse things will get. You want rest, well that is what God wants to give you. Lean on Him!! Don't go through this one more day, or even one more hour, ask God to help you.
Ask for forgiveness for taking those pills and for the thoughts of suicide, and get where God wants you to be. What have you got to lose? Nothing!! What have you got to gain? Everything!!!
I would love to continue discussing this with you. I hope I have not offended you in any way. I don't know how to tell the truth without just saying it. I am not a pie in the sky Christian. I do understand the darkness that you are sinking into. I have been there, but I know where the light is to be found too, and I know you can get there the same way I did. I will pray for you.
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)