I'm ready to die, even though I haven't lived yet.

Hi Ralph

Your website is great. I've been battling depression for years and I have tried killing myself twice. I feel like dieing right now. I feel so incredibly alone and lost. I believe I lost my soul. I can't remember the last time I felt happy. Everything I've done has failed and I feel like I'm not even human anymore. People don't want to be around me and my words come out all wrong and cold. I can't live like this anymore. I've seen doctors and tried every anti-depressant there is. I don't want to bother my mom with this anymore and pretend to be ok just to make her happy. Everyday is a struggle just to get out of bed. I haven't seen any of my friends in a year. I live alone and don't feel safe with myself. I spend days just thinking of the best way to kill myself. I've come up with just leaving town and going to the mountains and shooting myself. My mom is the only person holding me back from doing that. She's the only person who would care if I died. When I think of my future I know I will never be happy. I'm not a normal person. I'm gay and ugly and stupid. Nobody takes what I have to say seriously. I have no idea who the hell I am. I'm 25 and feel ready to die even though I haven't lived yet. Thanks for reading. Happy New Year.

My response is in Green:

I am glad you enjoyed the website. I want to help you if I can, but I will warn you that you might not like some of the things I have to say.

You need to get right with God, or you will always be right in that you will never be happy. Right now your sin is standing between you and God, you must deal with that first before anything else.

We will all have to answer to God someday for the wrong things we have done. God is holy and demands death for anyone who sins. (Ezekiel 18:4 NIV) For every living soul belongs to me, the father as well as the son--both alike belong to me. The soul who sins is the one who will die.

That is the bad news, we are all under a death sentence from a Holy God, who can't stand sin and we have all sinned. Now for the good news. God loves us and does not want us to go to hell to be punished for our sins. Because He is Holy He can't just forgive and forget our sins, His Holy nature demands that some one pays for those sins. (John 3:16 NIV) "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Here is more good news: (Romans 5:8 NIV) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

So what does this mean to us? It means that if we die without getting right with God we will go to hell for eternity and suffer in punishment for our sins. However, if we will believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He died for our sins, and if we confess our sins (admit them to God) and ask Him to forgive us He will. And if we believe that after He died God the Father raised Him back to life then we will be saved and if we die we will go to be with God. (Romans 10:9 NIV) That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

You said that everything that you have done has turned out wrong. Well we all could say that at least to some extent. Get right with God and do what He wants you to do and things will change for you.

How do I know you are a sinner? Because we are all sinners. This is not so much about you as it is about all of us. We all have sins that we need to get forgiven for. God loves you and wants you to have a relationship with Him.

You mentioned that you are gay. Well that is one of those sins that you are going to have to address. Yes it is a sin: (Leviticus 18:22 NIV) Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.

I did not say that, God says that. Until you are ready to admit that you will not be able to be free from it or any of your sins. Remember I said this is not so much about you as it is about all of us? Well here is a good example. People try to say that they were born gay and they can't help it. That is bunk. Yes you might have been born with the tendency to be a homosexual, but you have a choice. I was born with the tendency to be a liar, but that does not mean that I don't have a choice, or that it is not a sin for me to lie. What about the child molester, who is born with the desire to have sexual relations with children? They have a choice too, and yes it is a sin for them to act out these desires. There are no freebie sins, all sins warrant death in God's eyes. We must turn from our sin and ask for forgiveness. Until we do that, we will remain slaves of sin and our guilt will consume us.

Let me give you some very straight answers. If you kill yourself you will end up spending eternity in hell, tormented forever. The worst thing about hell is that you would be separated from God's love and mercy for eternity, however, that is probably the hardest thing for people to comprehend also. So let me put it in more personal terms. I believe that if you kill yourself you will spend eternity in torment and at least in part that torment will include; remembering that you made that horrible choice, when God would have forgiven you if you had only asked. I also believe that the homosexual desires will increase to a point that they are unbearable, yet you will not be able to satisfy that desire. Other than the sexual aspect, what is it you long for more than anything? The closeness of someone who loves and cares about you. Well that won't be possible in hell either, it will be the most extreme kind of loneliness that anyone has ever experienced. You won't even be able to long for death, because there won't be any death.

No suicide is not the answer, only God is the answer. He is holding His hand out to you and offering you freedom from sin and shame, but it is up to you to take a hold. It really is a choice, you can choose hell or heaven, but in the end it will be a choice you made yourself of your own free will. Think about it.

Ralph

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