I was diagnosed with severe depression and have been off and on lots of medication. As I write to you I am often contending with the thought of suicide. I realize that the enemy is a part of this but yet, I seem to have no control over the thoughts. It seems to be the answer to my hurting. I have hurt for so long because of so many things that have happened to me since I was saved over 20 years. I want to work and can not work because I dont know who or what mood I will be in from moment to moment or day to day. I have not been able to get over the dream that God was disappointed with me and turned His head away from me out of discuss.
I wish I knew who I am. I dont know who I am. I know I have a name my mother gave me at birth. But, I dont know who I am. I can go on and on and really dont know what I am tring to say. I just want to stop hurting. I feel like death is the answer. Yet, I'm afraid to die because I know I havent done what I was born to do and I dont want to go to hell. I see the psyc nurse who works with the psychiatrist monthly and I go to group therapy weekly. It's not working. The group session doesnt address the why I am like I am and I'm afraid of the male psychiatrist and that keeps me from being able to really express my feelings. All I seem to get is more medicine and I'm afraid to be committed because I dont want to lose my children. I am crying out for help and I already know Jesus.
My response is in Green:
I am glad that you wrote me, I hope I can help you. First let me say that even though it seems that death is the answer it is not. Suicide will do nothing for you other than lock your problems on your back for all of eternity and add a lot more. Suicide is a sin and you can't afford to commit it. So you have to fight those thoughts. The thoughts are not sin, but the action would be.
My response might come over as being cold, but please think about what I am going to say and then pray about it. I want to start by showing you something that I think you already know, but you may not have ever thought of. You described how you are in depression and the best the world has to offer has not helped. Now look at what God says:
(Jeremiah 17:5-9 NIV) This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD.  He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.  "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.  He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."  The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
Do you understand what God is saying? He is saying that man can't understand the human mind, yet man tries to give the impression that they have all the answers. God says only He has the answers and anyone who leans on man's corrupt wisdom will just continue to have problems and won't even see good times when they come. Doesn't that pretty much describe you? The problem comes because people mistake two totally different things. You have a brain, it is a physical organ and it can be sick, just like any other organ in your body. When it is sick or diseased you need to speak to a medical doctor and let him/her treat you. However, the thing that many people think of as an organ is the mind, but it is not a physical organ. Psychology has convinced people that the mind can be sick and diseased too, but that is not true, only a physical organ can be. We cannot even understand the mind or how it truly works, which is exactly what God says in His word. Yet psychology tries to claim they have the answers.
Let me give you an example. They will claim that many people are depressed because of a chemical imbalance in the brain (physical organ). Yet they have no test to see if that is true, other than just talking to the person and asking questions. If this were true they should have a physical test for which chemical it is and how much too little there is. When they diagnosis a person with a chemical imbalance they can't tell you which chemical, or how much too little or too much there is of it. They use medication which only masks the symptoms, they do nothing to balance this theoretical imbalance. That is why people have to change medications all the time. Think about it. Let's say that your brain is low on chemical A, if the doctor gives you just enough chemical A to counter act this deficiency why would you have to change medications in six months. You don't hear about diabetics switching from insulin to something else every six months, because what their bodies need is insulin!
Next look at the treatment. They claim the cause is physical, yet they treat it with talking therapy. How is talking going to solve a physical problem? It won't, that is your first clue that something is wrong. People tell me that God is not the answer, yet they will go sit down and "talk" to a person whom God has already said can't know the human mind or heart.
Now don't get me wrong, there are physical problems that can cause depression and emotional problems, but these are very well documented and can be pretty easily identified and treated medically. Not by talking but by medical treatment.
So where does that leave you? In God's hands. That is the next thing I want to talk to you about. You say that you have been a Christian for some 20 years and then you went on to say this: I have hurt for so long because of so many things that have happened to me since I was saved over 20 years. What are you saying? Are you saying that being a Christian is what has depressed you? You know that can happen if you are a Christian for the wrong reasons. What I mean is that some people come to God not because they sense that they are sinners in need of a Savior, but because they think of all the things that God should do for them. They often end up depressed or disillusioned because of the hard times in store for all Christians. Jesus told us that we would have hard times. He even said that anyone who wanted to follow Him should count the cost before making the decision. So hard times are natural. He also told us that the world would hate us because they hate Him.
I saw something else in your message. Your entire message was focused on one thing; you. Now I understand that but I will tell you that is part of the problem. You say you don't know who you are. You said you know you have not done what you were born to do. The problem here is a problem of focus. Your focus seems to be on you. Your focus should be on Christ. If you have truly given your life to Christ, then I can tell you who you are: You are a child of the King, a servant of the Most High God.
I am not trying to be flippant. I am serious God knows who you are and He knows what His plan is for your life, so it does not really matter if you know or not. What matters is; are you focused on Him and are you willing to do what He asks of you? The more you focus on yourself the more misery you will be in. The more you ask who you are, the less likely it is that you will find out who God wants you to be.
Let me show you something else which should help you:
(Psalms 19:7-11 NIV) The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple.  The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.  The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous.  They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.  By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.
Do you see what it says? The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart!. When was the last time you had joy in your heart? How about light to your eyes? These are God's promises to those who follow Him.
(Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Isn't what you really long for rest for your soul? Then follow Jesus.
(2 Peter 1:3 NIV) His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.
He has given us everything we need for life and godliness!! Do you understand what that means? We don't need some quack talking head to tell us what the problems of this life are or why we are the way we are, God has already revealed all that to us. All we need to do is put ourselves in His hands.
So where do you go from here? You need to start with talking to God. Tell Him what is in your heart. Confess any sins that you have not confessed, clear the air between you and Him. Then pour your heart out to Him and tell Him what your pains and desires are, then praise Him for who He is. Praise Him that He loves you enough to send His Son to die in your place. Then ask Him what He wants from your life. Ask Him to show you who He wants you to be. Commit yourself to Him and give Him control of your life. Move forward and keep your eyes on Jesus Christ, for there is no other way.
Read your Bible and stand on the promises:
(Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV)  Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Put God first and yourself last. Jesus said this: (Matthew 16:24 NIV) Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
Get around other believers. Find a good Bible believing and teaching church and get involved with them. We are called the Body of Christ and one reason for that is because we need each other. You need the support of other believers. Not so that you can dump your problems on them, but so that you can see through their witness that God is truly able to carry your through the tough times. And when appropriate to get them to pray for you. Let me close by showing you a statement by Paul which addresses depression:
(2 Corinthians 1:8-11 NIV)  We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.  Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,  as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
Paul felt like dying too. He was depressed and tired and weary, but notice why he says those things happened to him. So that he would learn to not rely on himself but rather on God. You need to learn that same lesson. I am not going to lie to you and tell you it is easy, it isn't, but it is possible. I am also not telling you to just throw away your medications, but I am telling your that you need to God and allow Him to work in your life. I would also suggest that you go to a medical doctor and see if there is a true physical reason for your depression, if not then you will know.
E-Mail Ralph (Whose comments are in green)