I just want to escape.

I am 21 and have bipolar disorder II. I want to end my life or at least somehow make the emotional term-oil less. People have told me that cutting can work but it's addictive. Pills seem unattractive due to barfing and getting your stomach pumped. I am too scared to hang myself and it's hard to shoot yourself in the head with a rifle. I just want to escape. I'm tired of living in a roller coaster from Hell itself. I don't feel I can cope anymore.
I am a Christian and I am called to be a missionary. I have so much to look forward to... or at least people think that. They tell me I should be thankful for bipolars have very intelligent intellects. I could care less about how smart I am. I want out of the depression! I am on medication, I see the psychiatrist and a counselor and nothing is helping.

I planned to slice my wrist tonight... when no one is around like now. I've tried twice and failed but I felt better after I did it (That was a few weeks ago and a month ago.). I don't know if I'll try it tonight but I want to. Maybe I'll just slowly get ready to pass on as I have been planning.

My parents know I am not okay anymore and they're calling my doctor tomorrow. However, I don't talk. I have found that I do better through art work and right now with a picture in my sketch book I don't think I am going to let anyone see in it. However, it is how I want to let go of life. I just have to get the rest of my stuff in order which will be a while as I want to pay for my own creamation. I don't think it's fair to leave that to my parents.
I am trying to wait until my cousin is okay. He's having a hard time spiritually and I am like an harbor for him to always come to for safety from the storm. Maybe by then I'll feel better.

My response is in Green:

It is time that you were honest with yourself. You say you are a Christian and that you have even been called to the mission field, yet your message to me tells me that you are not living for Christ. Let me give you a couple of passages of Scripture: (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV) [19] Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; [20] you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

(Romans 14:79 NIV) [7] For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. [8] If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. [9] For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.

It is pretty hard to claim that you are honoring God with your body as you calmly try to decide how to kill yourself. You are not your own, unless of course you are not Christ's. The passage from Romans makes it clear that whether we die or whether we live we do it for the Lord. What that means is that it is up to Him whether we live or die, and how either happens.

You said you want out of the depression, okay, but suicide won't give you relief. It will only lock into you the pain and suffering you have now and add hundreds of times on top of it. What you need is to get right with God, and put Him first in your life.

Have you ever thought about why cutting yourself seems to help? You won't like my answer to that question but here it is. It is because you are giving into Satan when you cut yourself. He hates you because you are in the image of God and he wants to destroy you. He would love nothing more than for you to kill yourself. He loves it when you cut yourself. Did you know that there is an example of cutting in the Bible? Let me show you. Now before I quote the story let me make it clear that I am not saying you are demon possessed. If you are truly a Christian then you can't be demon possessed because the Holy Spirit won't share you with anyone. However, if you are not truly a Christian then anything is possible. Here is the story:

(Mark 5:1-5 NIV) [1] They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes. [2] When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an evil spirit came from the tombs to meet him. [3] This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him any more, not even with a chain. [4] For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. [5] Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.

Look at the last verse, day and night he cut himself. Satan hates us because we remind him of God because God made us in His own image. Paul tells us that we battle against spiritual beings not flesh and blood. It is time to quit playing games and start living for Christ. Ask Him to take control of your life and confess your sin (thoughts of suicide).

I will not tell you not to take medication or not to see doctors, but anything that makes you take your eyes off of Christ is a bad thing. You said you are the harbor in storm for your friend. That is great but you need the real harbor and that is Jesus Christ. Think how much more you could help people if you were where you need to be in your own spiritual life.

You need to find a good Christian to talk to. Either a pastor or someone you can trust and have them help you. You need to pray and read your Bible and start living for Christ or this will defeat you. Don't just assume this is some disease that you have and therefore there is nothing you can do about it. Remember that you as a Christian are in a battle with spiritual forces which want to defeat you. You must fight them and that is done by following Christ.

It is time to ask God to help you deal with the depression and help you walk with Him. He may never completely take it away from you but He will never leave you either, but you have to follow Him and put Him first in your life.

Ralph

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